Mara's Mindless Babble

2008-03-09T15:25:00.000-07:00

I DON'T EVEN FEEL BAD!

That's right Detroit. You made your bed, now you can lay in it. I COULDN'T BELIEVE you voted in a gangster like Kilpatrick over a former judge to begin with. Then.... as if you hadn't had enough....you voted his purple zoot-suit, diamond earring, gangster ass back into office for another term.

Detroit's gone to hell in a hand basket and is getting exactly what it deserves. I'm tired of hearing about it DAY IN AND DAY OUT. Motor City my ass..... Mugger City, Gangster ghetto... yeah man, you're in KWAME'S HOOD NOW BITCHES! It's no wonder that Michigan is in the financial state it is. Who in the HELL would want to send their business to Detroit. I wouldn't blame Ford, Chevy, GM, etc... if they all pulled out completely and let the city wallow in the filth it's become.

The latest reports have under the table favoritism and construction bids going to Kwame's 'good friend', Ferguson. Mayor Kilpatrick awarded over 45 million in contracts to this man, not because he was the best or the lowest bid... but because he was a 'brutha'.... give me a fucking break. COME ON PEOPLE!! This man has a rap sheet a mile long that includes pistol-whipping an employee. But not to worry, ever the good friend, Kwame stood by his homey and visited him in the pokey... then, when he got out, continued to give him business compliments of the City of Detroit. Meanwhile, the man that was pistol-whipped sports a closed head injury and a cane.

Yet, King Kwame still remains mayor of his rotting empire. It appears that Detroit has taken leave of it's senses.

HOW DAMN HARD IS IT TO GET THAT MAN OUT OF OFFICE? Seems to me, for all the complaining and bitching that's being done there isn't alot going on to follow-up. There shouldn't even be a question with city council, and yet there is. Maybe they need to be booted out right along with him.

Detroit's a disgrace and it's taking the entire state of Michigan down with it.

KISS MY ASS

Mara

2008-03-06T16:09:00.000-08:00

2008-02-13T18:54:00.000-08:00

HNT - READY FOR THE RAG BIN

Just getting over pneumonia - see the post below.

::smooches::

Mara

2008-02-12T19:34:00.000-08:00

STUPID FUCKING STONER

Ok, so let me set the scene for you. I was hosting karaoke last Saturday night. Before we really get into this story let me tell you that I was sick - WITH PNEUMONIA (didn't know it yet), trying to make that extra buck on the weekend to get Tango something nice for Valentine's Day (looks like he's getting a plumber to fix our pipe that busted today - Happy VD Day Tango pffft).... anyway,

I was hosting karaoke last Saturday night, sick as hell and feeling like a limp wart hog wiener. I really wasn't in the mood to take any shit from anyone. I was SOOOO surprised when my REALLY GOOD FRIEND brought along a whole horde of commrades to help pass the night. Though I was feeling like toast I was looking hawt.... oooh yeah... little preview below...................

<< Yeah, you know it, that's me singing 'I'm The Only One' by Melissa Ethridge...
So, we're just passing the time. I'm sliding through the songs - loaded on friggin Tylenol Severe Head Cold and fuggin Dristan. Yep, doesn't get much worse than that. When another a little hawtie comes up to my friend and is having like bonafied hysterics!! WTF! So, my friend's entire table up and leaves... we're talking damn near 10 people here my friends.

Anyway, come to find out some little wrinkle weinered, shit-for-brains, dreadlocked-dog-turd decided that he was going start something. He looks something like this.....

Now, let me explain.... I DO NOT LIKE THIS YOUNG MAN. Oh yes.... you heard me say it. I don't usually flaunt my age, but there comes a time when kids are just punk ass kids and adults are adults. Admittedly, I have a WIDE AND VARIED range of friends... and said friend that happened to show up that night is only just beginning to see the light of 20, HOWEVER... there are some that mature faster than others. The dreadlocked-dog-turd is not one of them. AS WELL, I might point out, this little punk knows me (in a round about way) and knows that I work karaoke every weekend. HOW DARE HE BRING THIS SHIT TO MY PLACE OF WORK!..................and steal my spotlight

So, I've decided that it's time to separate the men/women from the boys. You want to play with the growups... you'll pay like a grownup. It's not a threat, it's a promise. If he EVER comes into my place of work again and starts something I'll call all Daddy's friends down at the police station and turn his pock-marked, chicken ass in for dealing drugs. If he's so goddamn high he can't stop himself from causing a scene (a scene that was totally fabricated just to gain attention, mind you) then I think he needs several years to rethink his position in life... or at least rethink fuggin around with Mara on karaoke night!

Ok, some people think it's cheesy, some people think it's great... hell some of you are thinking... Yo, Mara, lighten up. But even though this is just a part time gig..... think of how you would feel if someone you knew started that kind of crap in a place that you are supposed to have control of.

Anyway, my friend handled it wonderfully... getting it out of the bar, actually taking it OUTSIDE for that matter. Thanks Kris... you're the best...

Oh yeah, and this is Kris...

LOL... isn't he nifty!

::smooches::
Mara

2008-02-06T23:04:00.000-08:00

FIRST HNT IN A LOOOONG ASS TIME

Nothin like hitch hiking with your feet.

::smooches::

Mara

2008-02-05T22:40:00.000-08:00

Confessions of a BART Fartist -

If V is for Vendetta, F is for Fartist. The first part of the word is “fart” for the act of firing bacteria created air and poo particles at an incredible speed. Everyone one does it, and it has been proven that farts bring joy, yet they are taboo in public. The second part of the word is “artist” because that is what I am. Much like Picasso wielded a paint and easel, I have the ability to practically fart on command and have perfected the ventriloquist and ricochet methods which allow me to strike with devastating accuracy from cover much like a highly trained sniper.

My main hunting grounds are the mean streets of BART, which I am forced to endure twice a day for half an hour at a time. Many people from other places tell me that BART is great or some similar shit, but anyone who rides it daily like me knows that it sucks. To pay $10 a day for the right to park and ride to and from work is excruciating, especially on the way home when I think about paying to stand on a packed train with a bunch of self absorbed aholes. But I must give BART some credit, for they launched my career as the most lethal vigilante in history. Here is a list of some of the victims and the methods with which they were punished:

Mr. Read the newspaper to his wife on speaker phone guy: You are on the top of the list for one reason and one reason only; you are without a doubt the biggest asshole in history. Who sits there and yells on speaker phone and reads stories about an axe murderer to his wife during rush hour (in the elderly and handicapped seat no less)? You do. I fought for almost two minutes, desperately pumping the volume up button on my iPod trying to block out your transgressions. My career as a fartist started then, my ignorant self absorbed friend, and you were treated to turkey chili con queso. Oooooh it was hot and wet when I crop dusted you, how did it smell? Call your wife and tell her about it.

Ms. Lower her shoulder and cram her way on to a way too packed train lady: I could not believe you were actually going to try to cram your way on to our way too packed train, but you sealed the deal when you lowered your shoulder and repeatedly rammed your way into the crowded mass of frustrated passengers. It took me a stop or two, but slowly I was able to back my tight buttocks right up to within 2 feet of your short ugly face. I used the silencer once again but you bathed in it. When you cried, “Oh god, who farted?” I was crying I was laughing so hard.

Two teenage girls talking about sex and two teenage guys talking about taking drugs and driving: You have no idea how stupid you sound talking about subjects like that on a silent BART train during the afternoon commute. I saw one lady actually get up and move away because your conversation was so inane and ignorant. Bonus points for the one girl saying she prefers wine and salmon to a beer and burger now, I can’t tell you how impressed we all were with you. The woman behind you who rolled her eyes and slumped in her seat wanted more of your tips on living the high life for sure. And guys, I’m not sure what drug exactly you were talking about taking and then driving on the freeway but I just hope you don’t take anyone with you when you earn your Darwin Awards. I approached smiling, appearing to be heading for the exit, utterly forgettable in my everyday Dockers with polar fleece pullover. You were all sitting together in the “quad” chairs that face each other and no one else was around you for obvious reasons. The ambient noise from the tunnel meant I was able to really make you shiver when I delivered, I am actually shocked that a burnt hole wasn’t left in the back of my pants. It was one of my fall specials, a preseason pumpkin fart that smells for five minutes. By the time you realized what was happening I was doubled over laughing on the escalator in the station, I hope my gas taught you something valuable. Silence is golden.

Next time, more victims and a discussion over which came first – the need to fart or the elevator.

I laughed so hard I though I was gonna pee my pants when I read this... Tango must know this man... hell... if I didn't know any better I would say this WAS Tango!

::smooches::

Mara

2008-02-01T15:55:00.000-08:00

IT IS MY BIRTHDAY TODAY

that is all....

::smooches::

Mara

2008-01-21T17:34:00.000-08:00

Anger Management

I think I have some anger management issues. I was reviewing my Christmas wish list for friends, family and acquaintences.

Mara's Christmas Wish List:

I wished for Mara to get a gift cert. to her favorite shoe, clothes & perfume store.
I wished for Tango to get HDTV and a new hunting bow.
I wished for Kristofurrr to get his college loan and a new boy toy.
I wished for Mom and Dad to enjoy their retirement in Florida.
I wished for Sis B to learn how to stay in touch with her Sis M (me).
I wished for Sis J to find a new man to replace the fucknut she's divorcing.
I wished for my ex-employer to get cholera and a basketful of snakes.........

Hmmm.... looks like their's a couple little issues I need to work on for the new year.

Oh well!

::smooches::
Mara

2008-01-20T06:23:00.000-08:00

Free To Be!!

Do you ever question your significant other? Ever wonder at the little idiosyncrasies that make them who they are??

Well, Tango has some of those quirks... things that just make me go "WHY? would you do or say that?

You know... like when you're driving through town after a wonderful dinner/night out and he says "That's the house I lost my virginity in".....

Or, him thinking that it's NOT ok to fart in the car but it IS OK to fart in front of the car while the heater is going so the air is sucked in and dispersed with lightening speed - MY MOUTH WAS OPEN AND EVERYTHING!

Anyway.... one of the little things that makes Tango... well, Tango. Is that no matter the time of day, the hour of the night, the temperature of the air, the location of the event OR EVEN that we have only about 60 seconds.... he has to be bare ass naked in order to have sex. I'm talking nothing... no shirt, no pants around the ankles, no hat.... NO SOCKS!!! Totally, absolutely, completely naked.

Hells Bells people, the mood will move him right before we have to leave for work and he'll hustle me into the bedroom and have all of his clothes off before I've even turned around. THEN... 60 seconds later..... he says, and I quote, "I don't know where I put my clothes". What the hell!!!!

Now don't get me wrong, I love the little twitterpated bonergnome for his endearing qualities, but sometimes you just have to go... HUH?

I suppose it's better than some of the quirks other's have to deal with..... nose picking, excessive drinking, gambling....an addiction to orientalwhore.com . But, it still makes me wonder what's going in in his little thinker from time to time.

::smooches::
Mara

2008-01-15T14:44:00.000-08:00

SOMEBODY JUST SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD

That's a migraine in full force. Oh my fecking gawd!. I've been getting these ever since having cancer a few years ago. First I thought they were a side effect of medication - but - after a while..... and being medication free...... they seem to have become a way of life.

I actually stayed home from work today. I NEVER stay home from work. I was totally down and out from about 3:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. today. It's still there.... I can feel the pressure waiting at the back of my skull.... but for right now the pills I gagged down are holding it at bay.

I would really like to treat them with something besides narcotics. After everything I took to combat the cancer I've become kind of adverse to taking anything that alters my state of mind. I've tried all/many of the migraine meds out there to no avail:

Over-the-counter: doesn't touch it

Midrin & similar: doesn't touch it

Imitrex & the like: LOL... now there's a good one. Certainly it took care of it.... probably 3 minutes after being injected. 5 minutes post injection I was passed out on the doctor's office floor. Apparently these kind of drugs cause a huge drop in my blood pressure.... so lah.... I'm cured, but I'm unconscious.

Herbal: I'm allergic to alot of things and it's hard to find something that will help without causing a reaction or worsening the headache..... though I do drink camomile during a migraine and after if I can without throwing it up.

So... that leaves us with the narcotic coctail, ice/heat and passing out in a pitch blach room. Mind you.... if I get too cold I start to shiver, then I seize, then the migraine worsens.... if I get too hot I throw up and that makes the migraine worsen... hmmmm....just about as much fun as a fart in a diving bell.

So, I'm up for suggestions. Real suggestions... and yes, I've tried the sex thing... it doesn't work.

::smooches::

Mara

2008-01-10T19:36:00.000-08:00

WELL DUH!!!

Alright - I'm just going to make this short and sweet because I'm in such a state of confusion I feel like I'm going ass-over-toenails down the puberty highway..... AGAIN!

Tango and I were in the car driving.... I can't remember where to. (Do you all see how frazzled this has my sassy ass?) When out of the blue, Tango says "Jeezus christ!" and starts squirming in his seat. I'm like "what's the matter babe"?
He lets out a little grunt and says...... AND SAYS..... "My nutsack is stuck to my scrotum"
????????????????????????????????
I say "your nutsack's stuck to itself??"
"No," he says..... "My scrotum"

I'm like.... "Dude, it's the SAME THING"

To which he proceeds to tell me... "No it's not, it's the underside of the shaft"

Jeezus friggin christ! I can't believe that he doesn't know what his friggin parts are... LET ALONE THAT WE'RE DEBATING IT!!

So, I say - with all conviction - "I know what I'm talking about, I passed biology/anatomy - whatever, and I was a big fan of sex-ed (or sex with Ed - however you want to look at it, it was enlightening) Anyway!! I know what a scrotum is!"

Tango says "Well I've lived with it all my life - I think I would know what it is better than you!"

"Fine!" I say... "we'll Google it when we get home!"

Well apparently he didn't take me seriously. However, we got home, made dinner and then he sat down to check his email. That's when I asked if I could borrow the computer for just a sec.

DID I??? OF FUCKING COURSE I DID - I GOOGLED THE DEFINITION OF SCROTUM COMPLETE WITH A PICTURE......

and made it his screen saver........................LMFAO

::smooches::

Mara

2008-01-06T17:19:00.000-08:00

AND IN THIS CORNER......

So, yeah, it's been a long time since I've posted. Just been doing the same-ol-same-ol... day in and day out. You know what that means, yep.... sex.

Gosh, makes me sound like a nympho or something. Oh, by the way, company walked in the other day at a most in-opportune moment... we have an open door policy that apparently turned into an open door exhibitionism policy. Never fear - I was on bottom. They just got a nice shot of Tango's goods.

Anyway - I've been hosting karaoke lately on the weekends. This past Friday I was hosting when a young lady came up to me. She was about three, no make that twelve, sheets to the wind. She proceded to tell me that my singing was fantastic... on and on she went. Then, just when I thought she was done, she looked down at my chest.. made a couple of fists, and said as she began BOXING MY TITS.... "I could bounce these things like Sugar Ray Leonard" Oh my fecking GAWD!

Not only did this little drunken-female-tit-monger do this to me... she did it in view of the ENTIRE bar. Very nice. It's one of the only time's I've wished for a water bra in hopes of drowning her inebriated ass.

Was I turned on... now that I had to ponder. Not for long. I guess I can definitely say I'm straight... balls and weiners all the way.

::smooches::

Mara

2007-12-27T18:59:00.000-08:00

Wow, Long Time......

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted. A lot has happened.

Marriage is great - don't know where I would be without Tango.
Life could be better - but it's getting back to where it needs to be.
Work has changed - since the last time I posted.

All I can really say at this point is that I'm back... LOL .... and glad to be. I'm thankful for each day in a way that I never was before.

I'll get into the swing of posting fun stuff again, but for right now, just wanted to let you all know that I haven't died... yet LOL. Hell, if you can't laugh about it you would cry.

::smooches::
Mara

2006-08-08T11:17:00.000-07:00

I'LL HAVE AN ORDER OF FRIENDS......
HOLD THE SISSY CRAP

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.>
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

These are the vows of a true friend - no sissy shit.

Always remember........
Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

LMAO!

::smooches::
Mara

2006-08-03T05:40:00.000-07:00

Fad Diets and my Favorite Store (NOT - see this post WalMart Idiots )

I have a Belgian Sheepdog and a Jack Russel Terrier, and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart. Lugging the friggin 40 lb bag up to the counter because I refuse to get a cart for just one item (the bags nearly as big as I am!) I finally make it up to the check out line. I have to say... whatever redonk IDIOT decided to put the pet food at the back of the store should be taken out and SHOT at dawn.... on second thought - if he's a man maybe we should just strip him down and tie him to a post in my neighbors field full of weaning calves... (ok.. that was wrong on too many levels to count).... ANYWAY!

While waiting in line to be checked out the woman behind me asked if I had a dog? (Raise of the eyebrows).... is this some sort of test?? That's like one of those bad redneck jokes... what the hell!! She appeared sane, emotionally balanced, drug-free and NOT EVEN BLOND!! So what the hell is up with that question!

On impulse, I told her,
"Nope, I'm starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I lost 50 pounds before I woke up in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms." {Dramatic sigh}

Now friends - at this point one would think that the woman would take one look at me and realize that there's NO WAY I could lose, or even need to lose, another 50 pounds and survive!!! But she just stared at me wide eyed believing every friggin word!!!

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants and pockets and purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. And just think of the money that you're saving on groceries!!! What a bonus especially with the cost of gas!

..........I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now
enthralled with my story, in particular the tall hot guy with the cowboy hat who was standing
behind her........

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

That's when I said with all sincerity, "No, I was sitting in the street licking my non-existent balls when I was hit by a truck"

I thought the guy standing behind her was going to have to have help as he burst out laughing and staggered to the door.

LOL..... I couldn't resist.

::smooches::
Mara

2006-07-27T17:05:00.000-07:00

HAPPY LONG OVERDUE HNT!!!.....Honeymoon in the Caribb.... me and my sandy ass. What? I was exfoliating!!

2006-06-27T11:03:00.000-07:00

UNFORESEEN SPEEDBUMPS

Ok, so here's the story.....

I'm driving down my friggin DIRT ROAD, in the FOG, minding my own GOD DAMN business when I see movement to my left....... it's large, ghostly, and coming at a pretty good clip.

Slowing down to a stop so as not to spook a sweet little deer or other BEAUTIFUL CREATURE OF NATURE.... I damn near come to a stop as I get a good look at it.....

Any guesses? ANY THOUGHTS AS TO WHAT IT WAS????

A BICYCLIST.... A Fecking helmet headed, spandex sporting, nutcup wearing BICYCLIST.

The friggin idiot was bicycling down a dirt road, in the fog, wearing silver/gray and white biker shorts, shirt and a helmet. I was so friggin mad.

You see, I'm assaulted daily by these damn blights to society, peddling at 10-15 miles an hour, 3 across on 4 of the semi-rural roads I drive to get home. Mind you the speed limit for vehicles is 50 freakin miles per hour!!!!! I cannot even count the number of times I wished I had a pickle jar to hurl out the friggin window into one of their spokes and watch them fall like dominos......and I cannot tell you the satisfaction I get out of witnessing a cleverly executed swerve and the large dust cloud that results!

And trust me..... I am REAL sorry if some of you sweeties are avid bicycle enthusiasts - BUT - a line has to be drawn somewhere. As far as I'm concerned, bicyclists belong in metroparks. If it doesn't have a motor - it shouldn't be on the road. MOREOVER.... if you are going to bicycle your little butt on the road the speed limit should apply to ALL vehicles. Yeah hah hah BUDDY.... if your little legs can't pump that Huffy up to 50 mph..... you should be cited a traffic violation for impeding traffic. Why the FUCK not! Cars are!!! If a motorist is going 25 mph in a 50 mph zone the police are required to cite that motorist with a violation for impeding traffic..... however, if a row of bicyclists or even a SINGLE bicyclist is going 10 miles an hour, uphill, on a 50 mph road and holding up a line of 8-12 cars he DOESN'T get a ticket... Yeah - THAT'S BULLSHIT!

Blah....it makes my blood boil. And every now and then I'll give the horn a good old honk.... yup... and inevitably I'm flipped off. Tellin you what... when that happens I want to jump out the window, tackle the little bastard and take his friggin flip-off finger as a prize!

I don't get it.... what's the draw??? Is it the feeling of power they get knowing that EVERYONE has to wait for THEM??? That THEY'RE the leader of the pack??? Truly, it's nothing that a Polo mallet and a little Prozac probably couldn't fix. ::sigh::

Anyway, I'm here to tell them now. Stay away from my house, stay away from my road, and stay away from my car...............................especially on the 28th day of the month.

********

For all my friends that ride bikes - yeah, I still love ya.... but your bike tires might be flat tomorrow ::wink::

::smooches::
Mara

2006-06-21T18:09:00.000-07:00

It's been a while I know.... believe it or not the conference will be finished on SATURDAY..... THANK THE FRIGGIN LOARD!! Anyway - here's a close up for your viewing pleasure. ::smooches:: Mara

2006-05-30T11:10:00.000-07:00

A WIN, WIN, WIN SITUATION

.......did you ever come across one of those brilliant ideas, an epipany, a sudden manifestation!!!!!.... that had you saying "DAMN! I'M A FRIGGIN GENIUS!!"

On illegal immigrants, hurricanes and cantankerous floridian reptiles..............

The plan:

1. Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border
2.Take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans
3. Put the Florida alligators in the moat

....... SHWING!!!!.... OHH YEAH... SHE IS BRILLIANT!

::smooches::
Mara

2006-05-08T13:40:00.000-07:00

DAMN ASS FRIGGIN PHOBIAS!

Ok... so my friend buffledog babe said that I should blog about my flippin 'touchy feely' phobia.

Apparently Buffledog Babe hasn't been sleeping all that well lately and decided to subject himself to some torture...er... a uh sleep study.

Yeah - Mara's had a friggin sleep study - talk about a TOTAL FAILURE!!! Word to the wise... sleep studies are not for those with touch phobias or those with any sort of social phobias (ie: phobias of being watched)

First of all I can't STAND strangers touching me. It's creepy. I have to know someone on SOME level before I can even attempt to ALLOW them to touch me. Secondly, I hate the feeling that I'm being watched. If I'm being watched I better be able to friggin see the rat bastard that's watching me. I HATE being watched unaware.... and the whole knowing that I'm being watched just not being able to see what pox-marked-jackoff is watching me is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE AND DISTURBING.

On that note, I also don't like to be alone at night in a room with a strange man that I don't know.... apparently men like the night shift at the Ann Arbor area sleep study facility because when I asked for a woman nurse you would have thought I had asked for the god damned WORLD!

"No Miss Mara, there is not a female on staff that can assist you..... blah blah blah blah..."

Yeah right asshole. Save your breath. You'll need it for your blow up date you got back there!

So ANYWAY....

I threw a big enough fit that they found a female nurse to hook me up to everything. I'm sitting in the bed staring at the walls as the paranoia closes in around me. Then the VOICE FROM BEYOND (aka - jackoff in the back) came over an INTERCOM!!! And this guy tells me to try and relax... Relax? FUGGIN RELAX!!!!! How does he know that I'm not perfectly relaxed unless he can TOTALLY SEE ME IN LIVING COLOR UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL.

So I start looking for the cameras.... I'm really paranoid at this point.... starting to hyperventilate.... feeling dizzy... oh yeah the works.

A nurse (male of course) knocks on the door and comes in to check the monitors stating that they are getting some irregular heart activity... well no friggin shit you waterhead suck navel!! I'm paranoid as hell here with you and your little numb-nut friend back there watching me. I could give a devil's fart that your damn machines are giving you wacky readings!!!

So this dude looks at me and SUGGESTS that I may want to get a little more comfortable and try to get some sleep...

oh yeah... more comfortable... pervert.
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable asshole - like a COMA!

THEN... IF IT WASN'T ALREADY ENOUGH OF A TRAGEDY..... I HAVE TO PEE!

Now understand...... I don't pee in front of ANYONE. I even make sure there is nobody in the adjoining room before I go potty.

So, IMAGINE MY HORROR... when I have to go to the bathroom and I know that all eyes are ON ME. I damn near had a friggin heart attack.

They finally ended up calling my emergency contact, Tango, to come and get me. He just shook his head and smiled. He knew I'd never be able to go through with it.

His remedy for my sleepless nights??? More sex. LOL.... oddly enough.... it works.

::smooches::
Mara

2006-05-03T21:14:00.000-07:00

HAPPY HNT!!!
This is another one from my kitchen series seen in February - I just got too busy to post it. Have a beautiful day! ::smooches:: Mara

2006-04-25T20:48:00.000-07:00

HAPPILY EVER AFTER HNT!!

As Promised My computer is going crazy and not letting me format or move things around so these aren't really in order . I've missed you all but at least I was productive in my absence!!!
::smooches::
Mara (stupid computer won't even let me hit return to go down a line... what the *&^$! is going on!!!

2006-04-20T08:21:00.000-07:00

About Damn Time She Blogged Again!

The Season of Giving - Tax Season

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from the USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 each for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 a piece for toilet seats.

I am enclosing four toilet seats (a value of $2400) and six hammers (a value of $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund" as noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips head screw (taken from the article in USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips head screws.)

Please note that I did specify 'screw' not to be confused with 'screwdriver' which is valued at $153.00 per the same USA Today article. Although a screwDRIVER would be a nice tax write-off for next year I feel I'm unable to commit to that large of a donation this year.

I wanted to thank each and everyone there at the IRS as well as the lawmakers in the US Government and say It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

Ms. Amara Delponce

P.S.
Love you all - sorry I haven't been around...

::big smooches::
Mara

2006-02-28T13:34:00.000-08:00

Dry-Cleaning Dilema

Ok, ok, ok.... so I haven't posted in a while... sue me.

Seriously friends, I have been so friggin busy there has been no time to post. This promotion is killing me. But I'm not going to bore you with a bunch of neurotic, pixified corporate blah blah... However, I am going to just go ahead and rant about a little speedbump in my life that probably isn't nearly as traumatic as I make it out to be.... But SHIT! When you're salaried and working overtime ALL THE TIME... everything's traumatic.

So, Saturday I decided it's time to drop off my clothes to the dry cleaner. I discuss this with Tango and we agree that I should try the new dry cleaner - well... only dry-cleaner... in town, as opposed to driving into A2 to drop it off there.

Well we get in there and it's a traditional Chinese Laundry. No problem... I'm all into supplier diversity when it comes to nail salons and take-out food - why not my laundry???

So, I'm waiting in line to drop off my things when a bundle of clothes with two little legs comes running through the door, zips around the corner and disappears for exactly.25 seconds... this little thing is FAST!

The next second this tiny little chinese woman - about as tall as a friggin egg roll - is standing at the side counter. Banging her palm repeatedly on it she yells to me... "I hep oo" "oo co here, I hep oo!" (that's I help you, you come here, I help you for the culturaly impaired)

I step to the side counter and hand her my things...

"Foh jackahh and wah skir?" she asks (four jacket and one skirt?)

"Yes, thank you". I say

I wait while she looks over my things and writes up the receipt.... the little thing moves like the wind.

Finally I ask when I can pick them up.

"Doo Day" she says with a smile.

Stunned I look at her and reply, with some amazement, "Today?!?"

"Ahhh no, Doo Day" -her
"TODAY!!" -me

"No, NO!! DOO DAY" -her
"Ohhh... two days, ok" -I reply with a smile

If looks could kill that little won-ton would have layed me out flat....

"NO" she said...... "NO MOW-DAY, NO WEN-DAY..... DOO-DAY!!!"

"OHHHH.... TUESday"............. damn... did I feel like an ass.

::smooches::
Mara

2006-02-22T20:50:00.000-08:00

Finally she posts again.........Happy HNT - havin' fun in the kitchen! - Love you all. ::smooches:: Mara

2006-02-02T02:54:00.000-08:00

HAPPY HNT Things are finally calming down a little a work. Had my birthday yesterday - updates to come later. But for now...... HAPPY HNT! ::smooches:: Mara

2006-01-20T09:03:00.000-08:00

I'm so sorry....

I'm so sorry I haven't been around friends. Work is an absolute zoo right now. I must have interviewed every friggin redonk bimbo in all of Southeastern Michigan for this job and NOBODY friggin qualifies. What really pisses me the feck off is that we had another candidate that would have been absolutely perfect for the job. I mean... seriously... we debated for 3 days on who we should hire and in the end chose the wrong one. Not only that, a letter was sent to the other candidate explaining that the position had been filled - nothing like friggin slamming the door shut on your only other option!!! ::stomps around the room and has a little hissy::

So now..... on top of running both areas..... I'm also interviewing every boob-brained bimbo in the state of Michigan. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE!!!..... I received an application yesterday where the girl stated she was "comfortable wearing safety goggles and rubber gloves"............................................... um....... she's applying for an OFFICE position.... ::smh:: (shaking my head)

Anyway... I've been bitching to my Mom and, bless her heart, she sends me things like this to cheer me up. Damn.... ya gotta love her.

Oh P.S. She was laughing so hard over this I thought she was gonna pass out.... once again just another example of her PERFECTLY SICK SENSE OF HUMOR....

Anyway friends, enjoy....from mom

::smooches::
Mara

2006-01-19T07:49:00.000-08:00

CATHOLIC TRIVIA

I'll bet you didn't know this!

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas
but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly,
some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than
cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have
devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their
collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then
the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done

by a chip monk.

HAHA!! I'M SO FRIGGIN FUNNY!

::smooches::

Mara

2006-01-18T11:39:00.000-08:00

I'M SUCH A BAD GIRL!!

Can you believe it's been a week since my last post. I feel so friggin bad!

Ok - quick update. I've been busy as hell. The girl that they hired to fill my position (remember, I was promoted and moving) well... she NEVER SHOWED UP.

So, here I am, trying to run both jobs at two different desks... I feel like a friggin chicken with my head cut off..

Anyway, I don't have time to write you a quirky little tid-bit from present or past, but I WILL share this wonderful little bit of awesomeness that brings me a smile every time I watch it.

Amara's favorite video

::smooches::
Mara

2006-01-12T07:32:00.000-08:00

IT'S MOVING DAY AT MY OFFICE

YUP... I'VE BEEN PROMOTED AND WE'RE MOVING MY SHIT!

AS I STAND HERE FILING MY NAILS AND DIRECTING THE DARLING BOYS THAT ARE UNPLUGGING, REPLUGGING, REWIRING AND UNTANGLING ALL THIS CRAP.... I THINK TO MYSELF.....

DAMN I'M GLAD TO BE A WOMAN!!

SORRY NO NEKKIE HNT THIS WEEK... TOO BUSY WITH THE MOVE.

::smooches:
Mara

2006-01-09T09:24:00.000-08:00

A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me. It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY remember about you!

This was taken from Brico & Dale ....... Thanks guys, you're great :)

::smooches::

Mara

2006-01-04T19:15:00.000-08:00

HNT

I wasn't sure which part to show ya'all

So this week I decided to BARE IT ALL!!!

............................well, kind of

::smooches::

Mara

2006-01-03T06:39:00.000-08:00

TAGGITY TAGGED!

You get one wish of anything, what would you ask for?
Hmmm.... personally? Internal peace, to get rid of all the emotional turmoil in my life forever.

What animal would you be and why?
A mongoose.... because it sounds cool and Ricky Ticky Tavey friggin ROCKED!

Something you want to do in your life?
Swim with whale sharks in the wild... crazy but true.

One song you could listen to over and over again?
I Believe by Diamond Rio

Coke or Pepsi?
Coke - hello - is there anything else?

Something you currently desire?
At this moment?? A white mocha latte with a double shot of espresso, whipped cream and sprinkles.

One good deed you've done lately?
Took charge of the care of some local horses that were being neglected.

A funny moment in your life?
You mean you didn't read the post below!!! ::growls:: Well... ::thinks:: let see here.....While vacationing in Florida last year I had put on my swim suit top in preparation to go to Cocoa Beach. Getting there I hopped out, stripped down to my suit and played on the beach all day long. It wasn't until 7:00 pulling into the WalMart parking lot with Tango that I noticed my swimsuit bottoms on the dash of the truck.......
Apparently I had worn black underwear on the beach all day... yup... lovely. This mortifying event was only made better by Tango relating the story in it's entirety to a crowd of about 200 at the comedy club on Paradise Island the following day......
Yup... if you were there... that was me... sportin the black sport skivvies with the VS logo'ed band around the top - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Ok...now that that's done... I'm supposed to tag 5 more peeps... however, I'm passing as many of the people I know are heading off on vacations and trying to get settled back in after the holiday.... BUT ... beware... I fully intend to come up with my own little 'tagging nightmare' and nobody will be spared!!! Muhahahaha!!

::SMOOCHES::
Mara

2005-12-30T11:05:00.000-08:00

My Sense of Humor is a Death Wish

Have you ever stopped to analyze an aspect of your personality and come to the realization that you yourself are one MESSED UP individual! Well, that is exactly what happened to me the other day with regard to my sick and sadistic sense of humor.

You must understand friends... I come from a LOOOOONG line of humorously twisted minds. For instance ~~~~~~~~~~~~~begins reminiscing~~~~~~~~~~~

One year when I was about 13 my grandfather, a notorious jokester, removed the hood ornament from my grandmothers chevy station wagon telling her it had been stolen. It was the middle of the winter and cold as hell outside. Grandpa went into his backroom and pulled a dead mouse out of one of the traps he had set (we lived in the country people - lots of mice). Grandpa then proceeded to freeze Mr. Mouse to the hood of Grammy's car. AS IF it weren't enough to have a mouse frozen to the hood of the car, Grandpa had put a little cocktail umbrella in it's paws and froze that there as well. He was so proud of that. Grammy was infuriated but sported Mr. Mouse on the hood of her car for a good 2 months... FRIGGIN PRICELESS PEOPLE!

~~~~~~~~~~~~reminiscing once again~~~~~~~~~

Moving onto another devious joking master mind in my family...... I will never forget the night before my father's vasectomy. The doctor had sent a list of things he would need to bring to the appointment, one of them was an athletic supporter. Dad had packed everything he was going to need into a little duffle bag and gone to bed to dream of um.... well I wouldn't wager a guess as to what his dreams were that night... I mean come on people, the man was gettin his boys snipped, that can't be too pleasant. And I would imagine the prelude of thoughts accompanying the actual event isn't a picnic either. Anyway, after Dad had gone to bed, my Mom um...... made sure everything was in order for the next day, she didn't want him to be ill prepared - she's awful sweet like that ::wicked little grin::

Well, Dad went in the next day and got his nads nipped. At the end of the procedure with the doctor and nurse in attendance dear old Dad was asked to produce the 'support' he would be wearing home. He reached into the box and pulled out......... a confection of pink frothy lace, sequins and little applique hearts. It seems that Mommy dearest had made a few um.... adjustments to said 'support'. This thing looked like something from a Las Vegas Drag Queen Reunion!!! Well the doctor and nurse both lost it and Dad, about ready to die, had to wear that exquisite little thing home....

LMAO.... good stuff people, good stuff.

Which brings me to this past weekend.... Christmas. Christmas morning had come and gone and Tango and I were pretty much both exhausted from all the activities and last minute shopping leading up to it. However, we had one more Christmas we had to go to, my parents.

I could see that Tango was exhausted... pathetic little purple shadows under his eyes, yawning every couple of seconds.. So, being the sweet pixie I am, I offered to drive. My parents live a good hour and a half away and it would give him a nice little nap before being thrown to the wolves ::waggles her eyebrows::

It took me about ten minutes to get to the highway during which Tango reclined his chair and made himself comfortable. 20 minutes into the trip Tango began to snore softly... awww.... poor tired little baby.

Now friends... you must understand, I have the attention span of a retarded fruit fly. I need to be entertained almost constantly or I will FIND SOMETHING to entertain me. I think that's why I can multi-task so well - need to keep my mind very active.

So, I begin humming to myself... which turns into tapping out a rhythm in sinc with Tango's little snores... bah dah dah dah..... Up in the distance I see a semi hauler (you know, a semi that hauls semi's) and begin to sing...

"Big Wheel keep on turnin... Proud Mary keep on Burnin and we're Rollin ..ROLLIN...Rollin...ROLLIN.... Rollin on a River...

Peeping over at Tango sleeping so contentedly I just couldn't help myself. Easing up behind the Semi hauler, getting as close as I possibly could, I matched his speed and set the cruise control. Now, if you've ever seen a semi hauler, you know that they haul the semi rigs backwards on them......::grin::

Placing both hands on the wheel and giving one last look at the darling sleeping Tango... I scream OH MY GOD!! And let out a shriek that would have made Satan stand up and shake.

Tango's eyes flew wide open and seeing what appears to be the grill of an 18 wheeler coming through our windshield head on.. lets out a scream to equal mine and throws both arms over his face and brings one knee up to his chest preparing for impact....

I.... just.... DIED!! It was so damn funny. Realizing that he hadn't been squashed and hearing my maniacal laughter he knew he'd been PUNKED! Do I need to say that he was just a tad less than enchanted with me?? In all sincerity, once the look of sheer heart-stopping terror had left his face, he kind of looked like he wanted to murder someone... um.. me? Seriously people, he didn't speak to me for TWO WHOLE DAYS.... do you know how bored I got... Damn!

So now I'm in the process of 'making it up to him'... blah blah blah... ::sigh:: I know it was mean.... BUT DAMN WAS IT FUNNY! ::slaps her leg::

::smooches::

Mara

2005-12-29T05:53:00.000-08:00

THE BEST OF HNT

Well friends... I thought and thought about what to post for this one.... breasts? legs? thighs? the full monty?

But, when I really went back through to see all the pics I had posted there was only one that I thought showed more of the actual 'me' than any other....

So without further adieu' ...

I give you...

A SURVIVOR PICTURE.

Wishing all of you health and happiness in the New Year.

::smooches everyone::
Mara

2005-12-26T20:26:00.000-08:00

Oh Woe is Me.....

I was sick all through Christmas my bloggy peep friends!!!

Tango finally took me coughing, sniffling and crying to the urgent care clinic today.

A couple hours and a hoard of tests later, they determined that I was going to survive after all..... I'm just a snotty mess! LOL... ear infections, sinus infection and bronchitis... They gave me 4 perscriptions though and one has some hydrocodone... so I'm feelin good.. ooooh yeah.

Anyhow, I was sick for Christmas... and all the days before it as well... ever woken up with your pillow stuck to your face with snot... yeah...it's quite nice, I would recommend it to anyone. ::shudder::

So, didn't mean to ignore you all. I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas... and now that I think about it, today is Many Hugs Monday.....

Sorry I'm so late... if you send me your loved ones that need hugs I'll post them on here with links to their sites - or yours - whatever I can find....
Or, if you're feeling brave and are unafraid of e-cooties, you can give hugs to me... God knows I need them.

Merry Christmas everyone... you all have become pretty special to me.

::smooches::
Mara

2005-12-21T08:34:00.000-08:00

5 WEIRD THINGS ABOUT ME!!

I've been tagged Leela!! Here are the rules; the first player of this game starts with the topic 'Five weird habits of yourself' the people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly- In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don’t forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says “You are tagged” (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours. Leela actually said that she was tagging me because she thought my answers might be weirder than her's LMFAO.

Alright you bloggy peeps... here we go...

5 Weird Things About Me:

1. I randomly hiss at people that walk by my desk at work.. for that matter, I randomly hiss at people in public places. I think it's the reaction I crave - Tango thinks I'm looney.

2. My bra and underwear have to match every day. I would sooner go without than not match.

3. I haven't thrown away any of the stuffed animals from my childhood because after reading The Velveteen Rabbit I believe they all have feelings and can't get over it.

4. I'll eat corn on my potatoes or carrots mashed with potatoes but neither corn nor carrots seperately.

5. I sleepwalk all the time and have full conversations while doing so with people that I'm dreaming about.

Well Leela... what do you think? Weirder than you?

Ok... I am tagging the following people:

Aisha

Co'Joe

Exseno

Honkeie

Spencer

Aren't you 5 just the luckiest people in the world LOL

::smooches::

Mara

2005-12-20T13:12:00.000-08:00

I HAVE COOTIES!!! OH NO!

How friggin unfair is that. I'll probably be sick for Christmas.

It's all those blasted Christmas parties I've been going to..... kissing babies and relatives that I haven't seen for a whole year... sharing germs.... ::shudders::

Anyway, I wish I could be at home snuggled up with a blanket in the chair by the fireplace... but nope... not a chance in hell. I'm at work. Then after work I have to go shopping for executive gifts ...... WHY can no one else do this job you ask??? Because most of them are men and as they told me just this afternoon "that would take effort on our part.. we'll just donate the cash". Well little misters... where the fuck are you when I want to go shopping for ME!!!!.... SHIT... I could just hear it... "Excuse me Mr. C and Mr. B, I'm going shopping this afternoon for a new suit and some matching shoes. Do you think you could come with me to help me pick them out?"..... ::blank stares:: Mr. C says "um..... that would take effort on our part... we'll just donate the cash". Yeah that'll be the flippin day!

So anyway... I feel like complete trash-o-lah. I'll probably be sick for Christmas. Tango will probably get sick... Damn.. what a vicious cycle.

And in the middle of my personal tragedy I have to put up with all this politically correct flippin 'Holiday Tree' shit! It's a Christmas tree... friggin get over it! Pledge alliegance to our flag because it's what's protecting your ass! 'In God We Trust' on our money is no more offensive than the pagan 'pyramid with all seeing eye' but nobody has a problem with that shit. You don't see the Greeks being asked to tear down all their pagan temples yet it's ok to scrape the 10 Commandments off our Federal Buildings... yeah.. go blow it out your ass! IT'S PART OF OUR FRIGGIN HERITAGE! OUR HERITAGE PEOPLE..... Not religion... heritage...

Fine, whatever... do whatever the fuck seems politically correct.....and soon enough America will become the country with no heritage or history. Isn't that just fucking fabulous...

Damn... I guess I'm in a really crappy mood because I'm not feeling good. ::shrug:: maybe that's the only time I'm truly honest.

::adjusts her halo::
I think I need a drink

::smooches::
Mara

2005-12-19T08:12:00.000-08:00

THE CHRISTMAS EDITION OF
MANY HUGS MONDAY!!

I would like to bestow hugs upon the following bloggy peeps:

Aisha cause she's going postal
Spencer for his little girl.. she needs extra ones
Armaedes LMAO... because a rant like that deserves a hug!
Audry & Marie via Pirate

Ok people... give me your needs... tell me the people that need hugs. I will post them on here just as soon as I'm able.

When visiting my blog today, make sure to check out the special peeps at these links and give them a hug.

MERRY FRIGGIN CHRISTMAS YA ALL!!!

::SMOOCHES::

MARA

2005-12-14T18:57:00.000-08:00

HAPPY HNT

And... nothing like shameless promotion... but please read my VERY FIRST Christmas Story below :)

::smooches::
Mara

2005-12-14T07:52:00.000-08:00

A VERY FAIRY CHRISTMAS STORY

Once upon a time, and not so long ago, there was a beautiful Fairy Ice Princess (we'll call her Princess Amara). She lived in a sparkling ice kingdom and was very very happy...

Princess Amara had many jobs and was always busy doing something fabulous.... helping make snowflakes, lending a hand to the tooth fairy... you know, cool stuff.
But her most favorite thing to do was help Santa. Santa's a really neat guy... and he smells like cookies. Everyone who knows ANYTHING knows that fairies LOVE cookies.

Some of Santa's helpers at the radio station close to Princess Amara's castle were doing something really special. The city's transportation department had donated a bus for them to fill with toys for needy children. Princess Amara thought this was very noble and went to WalMart right away to buy a dump truck, an Easy Bake Oven, a sled and a shiney new bike. She flew across the parkinglot straightaway and gave the toys to the handsome Marines officer who was helping to collect the toys and stuff the bus.

Night and day Santa's helpers from the radio station kept vigil over the bus, encouraging their listeners to bring toys and spreading holiday cheer, until one day a man came and knocked on the door to the bus.......

Santa's helpers from the radio station greeted him with warm smiles and holiday cheer.

"Thanks for stopping by, have you come to deliver a toy?" they asked.

"NO!" said the man with an angry snarl.
"I've come to shut this silly operation down. I HATE anything to do with Christmas and I OWN this parking lot! I don't care about toys or kids or Christmas! Take your bus away from here or I'll have it towed away!!"
With that he stormed off into the snow....

Well, Santa's helpers were very sad and the little one, began to cry. But, with the help of the big man at the radio station they found a new place to set up their Christmas bus, and as soon as the word spread, toys were coming in from all over... boxes, bags and truckloads of them!

Well, Princess Amara was very happy that things had turned out so well. But, there was one thing she felt still had to be taken care of.

Gathering all her Ice Princess power she created oodles and kaboodles of snowflakes. She made snowflakes all though the night never once stopping, not even to eat sugar cookies.

In the morning she looked out over the mean man's house with an angelic smile...... and thought...............................

DIG YOUR WAY OUT OF THAT ONE SUCKER!

******************

Christmas is a season of love and giving. Please donate to your local charities! For all the locals, drop by Victors Way and help Bubba and Katie from W4Country STUFF THE BUS!

::smooches::
Mara

2005-12-12T12:27:00.000-08:00

MANY HUGS MONDAYS

Ok all my blogging peeps. I'm implementing Many Hugs Mondays.

As I got back to my computer today and started sifting through emails and checking in on my bloggy blog friends.... it became VERY APPARENT to me that some of ya'all just need a hug. Hell knows from time to time I do..

THEREFORE, without further delay, I give you 'Many Hugs Monday'. This is how it works. If I think you need a hug... I'm posting your name with a link on my site. If you all come and check out this post and know of someone that needs a hug.... drop me a line via email or in my message posts and I will edit their link into the 'Many Hugs Monday, Bloggy Friends Needing Hugs'.

Now the whole purpose of this is to spread the love... click on their link. Give them encouragement.. a hug... a kick in the pants... whatever. BUT BE NICE!!!

Who knows, sometimes a word from a friend... or a stranger... makes all the difference.

Bloggy Peeps Needing Hugs Today:
Brother Esquire (with regard to open mouth insert foot)
Brico (cause he got a jingle bell stuck up his nose)
Honkeie (cause he's just plain havin a suck ass day)
Jungle Cowboy (cause his small beastie is sick)
Natalia (because she's working her sexy body)
Kalani (cause she's a dating goddess)
Wopanese (cause his privacy was violated)
BuccoTom's Gunn Moll (cause it's her birthday!)
Suze (cause her cat's ignoring her)

Ok... if there is anyone else out there that needs a hug... you LET ME KNOW!! I'll put their name up here and we'll take care of them in fine style.

::smooches::
Mara

2005-12-08T07:28:00.000-08:00

HNT UPDATE!!!
OK.. I SPENT A VERY COLD NIGHT WITH BARELY ANY POWER... APPARENTLY MYSELF AND THE TWO NEIGHBORING HOUSES ARE EXPERIENCING A... BURNOUT??? WE ONLY HAVE LIKE ENOUGH POWER TO RUN A FEW LIGHTS AND EVEN THOSE LOOK DIM...GRRR. DTE HAS ASSURED ME THAT I WILL HAVE POWER WHEN I GET HOME THIS EVENING.. SO UNTIL THEN... HERE'S A LITTL HNT RECAP. HOPE IT WORKS FOR YA... I'LL POST THE LATEST TONIGHT.

::SMOOCHES::
MARA

2005-12-05T06:26:00.000-08:00

TWINKLE TWINKLE..... LITTLE....STAR?

Good Morning Friends. This weekend was full of holiday spirit and cheer. Shopping, setting up the tree, visiting with family and friends, baking Christmas treats [ I'm sorry to escape from the topic at hand but I must take a moment to say that I LOVE BAKING CHRISTMAS GOODIES! Holy Cow: To Die for Fudge, Homemade Caramel Corn, Peanutbutter Balls, Hard Crack Candy, Christmas Cookies, Gingerbread Men, Caramel Swirled & Chocolate Dipped pretzel Rods... ohhhh.. aaand.... Homemade Creme de Menthe Fudge Sauce... IT'S SO FRIGGIN GOOD!!!]

Ok ok ok... so that was way off the subject I know, but it just had to be said. Anyway, I went over to Mom and Dad's this weekend. It was an all around good/hectic time, just as it always is around there. I love my family with my whole heart. They are a little nutty and quite a bit invasive... but there has never been a better family, NEVER.

Quick run down of the family...
Mom - diagnosed with MS years ago and in some of the final stages. A real sweetheart. Still insists on working in whatever way she can, she says it keeps her productive in helping to support her family. She has a wicked sense of humor and I love her for it.

Dad - Retired from law enforcement. A big doofus of a guy. He's so cuddly and lovable.. LOL.. a little slow to the punch sometimes. He's working in his retirement as a substitute teacher. He's my adopted father. I've never met the sperm doner and really have no wish to...this is the only Dad I'll ever need.

Sis J - Married... er... getting divorced, from a friggin twisted, revolting hogarbeast troll! We can all thank the friggin Loard... Blah... I can't even talk about Sis J right now (this is a fairly raw wound- give me a couple weeks and I'll give you the low down on the bastard). Oh.. and I love her even though she married a perverted, psychotic, hemroidal suck navel.

Baby B - My baby sister. A beautiful girl with a brilliant mind. Graduated from HS year before last with a full ride to MSU honors college carrying a double major...she's adorable.

So Anyway,

I'm over at Mom and Dad's house, helping Mom with her ebay stuff when I hear a couple of loud thumps come from upstairs. And when I mean loud, I mean it sounded like a front end loader banging around up there. Well, Mom starts laughing a little under her breath and I know something's up. I look at her inquiringly and she gives me that little mischievous smile as if to say 'just wait, the best is yet to come'.

We must have sat there for a good half an hour with only the occasional shuffle from upstairs. All of a sudden there was a huge crash and some very um.... un-masculine screaming. What the HELL!! I looked over at Mom in alarm to see her completely dissolved in laughter at this point. She waves her hand at me and says, between gasping laughter, "Go, quick, your Dad needs you". Well, my first question was - Where the hell is he!!. My Mom just roared, "I thought you knew," she said. "He's on the roof putting up the Christmas lights!!!".

HOLY SHIT!

I jumped up off the floor, shove my feet into the first shoes I saw and dashed outside. There...on the edge of the front porch roof... was Dad. Tethered at the waist by a rope that ran through the upstairs bedroom window and was ATTACHED to a DOORKNOB!! There were lights all over Hells Half Acre. They were tangled on the ground as well as all over both the porch and main roof with no seeming rhyme nor reason... and there was poor Dad.... also tangled in lights with his close to 300lb frame testing the integrity of the rope.

He let out a bellow that could have scared Satan into the nearest confessional, and as I looked on in horror he began sliding to the edge of the roof. Now friends, he might have made it had he been able to obtain a decent grip on the roof... but, with a belly like Jolly St. Nick himself, he looked more like a human rocking horse teeter-tottering his way down the roof than anything else. As his little legs went over the edge he grabbed the rope with both hands, legs peddling frantically at the air, trying to brace himself on one of the porch columns below.

Knowing there was no way to pull him up from the top I ran around to the shed and grabbed the ladder. Have you ever seen a little person running with a ladder, it's pretty hilarious in itself. Turning the corner I banged the front bumper of Baby B's car just hard enough to set off the alarm. PERFECT! This in turn sets the dogs (2 jack russel's and a cocker) to barking madly in their pen outside. Getting the ladder up and under Dad was a major accomplishment but alas, this was not to be the end of Papa Bear's woes.... it seems that in 'true safety fashion' good old Dad had created some sort of harness with the ropes. Said harness went around the waist and through the legs and had apparently uh... cinched up tight during his fall from glory. I raced inside to grab a pair of scissors to hopefully cut through this nylon rope and relieve him from his agony. Running back outside with a pair of scissors in hand (children should never run with scissors) I started up the ladder with the intention of cutting the ropes. Letting out another unholy scream he frantically slapped at my hand demanding to know what the HELL I intended to do with the scissors! "Save your boys!" I yelled!
"For God's Sake Mara! Just go up and untie the rope so I can climb the hell down!!!"

um... ohh yeah, right!

Racing back upstairs I run to the bedroom and go to open the door... FECK!! You have got to be fecking kidding me!!! 2 years ago my parents had a fire and the guys that came to fix the house had installed doors that swung OUT not IN... there was no way in hell that door was opening with that rope tied around the doorknob from the other side. Running over to the next bedroom (Sis J's old room) I go to yank up the window to climb out...... nothing. I try again....nothing. And then I notice... In typical Sis J fashion the window has been painted shut... nice. Using the closest sharp object (a screwdriver - thank god - Dad has been putting together a little curio cabinet up here for Mom for Christmas).... anyway, I pried the window open, scampered out onto the roof, sawed away at the rope, and finally freed Pops from his nad-pinching prison.

I made it down the stairs just about the time Dad made it through the front door, at which point Mom looked up at both of us and said...

"Did you remember to put all 3 reindeer up there this year? It looks stupid with just the two!"

Dad just stood there in stunned silence. "Well, it does," she said trying to keep a straight face.

I spent the rest of the day helping Dad test and put up lights. We finally finished just before dusk and plugged her in. As we turned to go inside the other houses on the block began to light up. By 7:00 all the neighbors lights were on in a blinking, flashing, blinding myriad of colors with all the grandeur of a Las Vegas Strip.

Getting home Sunday night and gazing at my little holiday wreath on the door I thought.... DAMN, keeping up with the Joneses SUCKS!

::smooches::
Mara

2005-12-01T06:11:00.000-08:00

Happy HNT - Ok, today it sucks to be me... I'll give you a couple of clues as to why:

Yeah, you guessed it... oh.. and we can't forget the granny panties...

Yup people... there's just no gettin sexy with the granny panties ::sigh::

That's all you're gettin this week...

My crabby ass isn't taking a naked picture... however, nextweek, we'll negotiate. But for right now...

HAPPY HNT YA'ALL

::smooches::

Mara

P.S. I think PMS stands for Punishing Men Severly.... yes?

2005-11-30T10:47:00.000-08:00

TAGGED!!!!!

I was tagged by Aisha , silly girl. Anyway, I was told to find my 23rd post and copy the 5th line....

'So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.'

Ponder it for hidden meaning, subtext, etc....

::pondering:: um... nope.. that's pretty much what it was and what I meant. My advice in reviewing said experience would be to NEVER TRY HOME WAXING UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. I think I would rather look like I'm trying to smuggle Chubakka in my undershorts than go through that kind of humiliation and torture.

With that said I am to tag five people... he he he
Soooo...

Mmm...beer
Brother Esquire
Leela
Exseno
Kid Fury

Come on down!!! You're the next contestants on 'LOOK WHO GOT TAGGED NEXT!!'

::smooches::
Mara

2005-11-29T08:24:00.000-08:00

BLACK EYED, GHETTOFIED FRIDAY

So Friday morning BEFORE 4 a.m., soon to be Mr. Waterpixie and I headed off to WalMart in Ypsilanti...::shudder::

I thought that you know, being that I'm getting married and all, I would do the whole fun, crazy, domestic bargain shopping thing and get there right when they opened at 5 for their 'DOOR BUSTER' deals.

NO FRIGGIN SHIT!

We got there and waited in a line that extended to the back of that flippin redneck palace for 10 freezing minutes.... I was undaunted, caught up in the moment of all these excited shoppers. Tango looked around uneasily - not having quite so much faith in the civilized crowds as I. Wearing my long wool coat, fur brimmed hat and fur lined gloves, cheeks rosey I know I positively radiated excitement. Looking over at T my heart went out... um... jeans, sneakers, leather coat - that's it babes. No hat, no glovies.. nothing. I could visibly see him shivering. Awwww... poor baby!

HOT DAMN!! THE LINE'S MOVING... enough of the poor baby this and that!! Get me in the friggin store!

About halfway up we heard a HUGE commotion and the line stopped moving.. Now you'all thought I use colorful language??? You ain't never heard nothin like this before... holy hell. Well, the line started moving again - frikkin finally! Looking over through the front windows I could actually see people RUNNING... flat out running back to the electronics section. I couldn't freakin believe it.. my eyes got wider by the second as I actually saw people being pushed and shoved out of the way as these crazy frantic shoppers fought to be first in line.

We got to the door and holy hell in and handbasket!!! The maniacs had frikkin torn the door... YES THE BIG, HEAVY, AUTOMATIC DOOR.... off it's hinges!!! It was hanging off to the side kinda balanced on one of the handrails. My mouth hit the floor. Tango and I were literally CARRIED THROUGH THE DOORS by the masses of sale crazed nimrods. I looked to the right where everyone was headed and then straight ahead where uh... no one was headed. Tango grabbed my hand and yelled "COME ON".... running to keep up with him... (not sure if he was caught up in the moment or if we were in fear for our lives at this point) ... I followed.

I heard Tango say "hot damn!" and looked up ahead..... Ahhhh!!! ::trumpets blare:: there ahead of us was exactly what we had come for...... undisturbed as of yet by the masses of crazed animals... the $68 personal DVD players. We grabbed what we needed and made to beat feet up to the front. SCCCCRRRREEEEEECHHHHHH!! Around the corner came a pregnant woman with 2 toddlers, a 2 flatscreen TV's, pajamas and who knows what the feck else, going about 90 miles an hour. She cornered that cart like it was on rails with one toddler in tears and the other one wide eyed with his arms in the air like he was on a rollercoaster at an amusement park.... all crammed into the buggy along with various other crap she kept throwing in.

In went 3 of the DVD players...Poor kids...

Now I ask friends... is this any place for toddlers?? It was worse than a mosh pit at a Metallica concert!! ::shaking my head::

Well, we got the hell out of there as fast as we could go. As we were leaving I heard one of the girls say something about security having to control an irate shopper that had ASSAULTED a worker because there were no more laptop computers....ASSAULTED!!! Hope the hell they're paying these kids overtime.... dang!

::smooches::
Mara

P.S. Sorry for the lack of posts... it's been a hell of a couple of weeks trying to keep up and catch up work due to the holiday weekend. But never fear...there's more to come.

2005-11-24T11:34:00.000-08:00

HAPPY THANKSGIVING HNT!!

Do you want.....

Breast
Thigh
or
Leg

::smooches::
Mara

If you aren't already in the HNT game visit this guy, Osbasso, he's the king.

2005-11-21T11:45:00.000-08:00

HOW MUCH OPRAH........ IS TOO MUCH OPRAH???

This is a question that has plagued me for over a week now ever since the last shopping trip with Ann.

Ann, by nature, is somewhat of a um..... follower type of person. She's several years older than me and so she has the whole wife/hubby/kids thing going on. She's pretty much perfect at it. Stay at home mom, immaculate house, dinner on the table by 5:30 every night, carpool, sunday school teacher... yup that's Ann.

So last Saturday when Ann and I went out shopping she and I were chatting in the car on the way to the mall about buying jeans when she said...

"I think I'll wait until I watch Oprah on Monday before I buy any jeans"......

Well I gave her this kind of confused look and she explained that Oprah was doing a special on the best jeans for different body types that coming up Monday. ::shrug:: Ok... if you want to wait and consult Oprah about your jeans that's fine.. to each their own.

Well... we got into the mall and the first thing we did was hit the Philosophy counter in Nordstroms...... Why? Because that's the skincare line that Oprah uses. Well, Ok, I can appreciate that. I mean after all, the woman does have great skin. Well Ann procedes to get what she needs and then purchases an entire skincare system for her son who developed a couple of pimples on his hormone raging pre-teen skin!!! She dropped just shy of $200 on a few bottles of facial cleanser. My mouth dropped.

Meandering our way further into the mall we stopped to get some of those 'cinnamon almonds' because "Oprah loves these"... uh huh. So Ann hops in line while I become distracted by the Santa Clause display (friends, you must understand.. I still sit on Santa Clause's lap every year and have a picture taken... I LOVE Santa Clause) but what really distracted me was the fact that they had brought in live reindeer for the weekend - SWEET!) After petting these adorable beasties I cruise back over to the 'nut booth' and as we're standing selecting these sugared, Oprah endorsed delacicies, Ann begins to give me this disgusted look. Well, I raise my eyebrow and give her a look like 'what's up?? Bad nut or something?' Well she pays for her nuts and I walk over next to her to get some on my own and it hits me.... OMG.... something smelled friggin RIPE! Cringing I looked at the reindeer display just in time to see the damn thing plop down a shit that would make an elephant proud! I looked over at Ann and notice she's taken a step back from me... WTF! So I pay for my nuts and we both turn to leave... out of earshot of the nut shoppe Ann says, "What the heck did you eat?". I just stared at her for a second or two and then started laughing hysterically. Like a child I took her hand and led her over to the reindeer exhibit.... the smell worsened with every step we took.... until finally we stood infront of the darling beast and it's amazing pile of excrement. I thought Ann was going to hurl... she's not exactly the 'country gal' type. LMAO... lets just say we were outta there faster than the fat kid in dodgeball.

Exiting the poopie scene on we went to Marshall Fields. Upon entering the store Ann said..."I need to stop at the Clinique counter and get some hand cream. Oprah has it on her list of favorites for combating dry skin. I have dry skin". Well ALRIGHTY then.... Finishing her purchase Ann wandered deeper into the cosmetic section (this is the part from the previous blog entry where we came out painted like french whores). Spying the Bobby Brown counter Ann said "OMG!!! Bobby Brown! I have to stop and look at their lipstick. It's the kind that Oprah uses" Well OF FREAKIN COUSE IT IS!!! $52 on a lipstick pallet people... ::sigh:: Now you see... I know Ann, she's a chapstick fanatic... she'll never use this lipstick and even if she does it will be gone in 20 minutes because she'll have wiped it off to put more chapstick on.

After leaving cosmetics was the frightening nightmare of dodging bullets through the perfume section (also outlined in the previous blog entry). Exiting the perfumes we were heading for the door when Ann says "WAIT!! I almost forgot something!" Dashing like a mad woman back through the store (remember folks we have to be home by 4:30 to start the 5:30 dinner) she finally stopped at the lingerie section and turning she said.....::dramatic pause:: "I just have to get some of these underwear.. they're kinda pricey ($32) a pair, but THESE ARE THE KIND THAT OPRAH WEARS!!"... well that just frikkin did it. OPRAH UNDERWEAR?? Do the words 'stalker, unhealthy obsession, fatal attraction mean anything to you!!! Holy Mother of God!

::still shaking my head:: Oprah underwear... WHERE DO I FIND THESE FRIENDS!!

::smooches::

Mara

*******************************************************

On another note... I'm going to share a fabulous recipe for Thanksgiving. This idea was given to me by femi-mommy who has a FABULOUS BLOG and posted a recipe for gooey butter cake on her page last week.

Chocolate Peanut Butter Pie

2 envelopes DREAM WHIP Whipped Topping Mix

2-3/4 cups cold milk, divided

1 tsp. vanilla

2pkg. (4-serving size each) JELL-O Instant Pudding & Pie Filling, milk chocolate

1/2 cup creamy peanut butter, divided

8 peanut butter cups

2 tablespoons Hersheys Chocolate Syrup

4 heaping tablespoons marshmallow creme

1 baked pastry shell (9 inch), cooled

CHOP peanut butter cups until finely crumbled (works well in food processor)

BEAT marshmallow cream, 1/4 cup peanut butter and chocolate syrup until smooth and creamy.

SPREAD marshmallow cream mixture evenly into the bottom of prepared crust.

SPRINKLE 3/4 of the crumbled peanut butter cups over the marshmallow cream making an even layer. -->

BEAT whipped topping mix, 1 cup of the milk and vanilla in large bowl with electric mixer on high speed 6 minutes or until topping thickens and forms soft peaks.

ADD remaining 1-3/4 cups milk and dry pudding mixes. Beat on low speed until well blended. Beat on high speed 1 minute, scraping bowl occasionally. Add 1/4 cup peanut butter and beat on high speed 1 additional minute. Pour evenly and spread into crust.

REFRIGERATE at least 4 hours. Garnish with remaining peanut butter cups. Store leftover pie in refrigerator.

I hope you get a chance to try it... it's pretty yummy!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2005-11-17T17:07:00.000-08:00

HNT REDO

I know I've been copping out on the HNT's for these last couple of weeks...

so here you go....

Better Late Than Never

::smooches::
Mara

2005-11-17T06:43:00.000-08:00

Happy HNT

LOL... I'm at work and found this.. I thought it was funny as hell.

::smooches::

Mara

2005-11-16T06:40:00.000-08:00

THE ALL SEEING IDIOT

Good Morning Friends! Last night the wind woke me up (damn... it was blowin like a $2.00 hooker workin for a tip!) Anyway, it woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep so I decided to pop on the internet for a little bit and see if I could manage to get my eyes tired.

Checked the blog and several others. Wrote an email to my Mom about Thanksgiving. Replied to several emails... just a bunch of random junk. Still bored and not the least bit tired I decided to check out what kind of chat rooms were open at 3:00 a.m.

Have any of you bloggers ever done the 'chatroom' thingie?? hmmm... ok here we go: Bipolar & More, GothsnVamps, TAMEABRAT, Pregnant and Happy, and on and on they went. Spying 'Advice Given & Taken', I decided to drop in and see why 17 people were swapping advice at 3:00 in the morning. Upon entering I was greeted with 17 seperate 'hello's'... ok.. that was friendly. Well anyway, the various conversations fell back into play after a couple of minutes and everybody was giving and taking, fairly good, advice on any number of topics... pretty tame. And then IT entered the room. Also greeted by 17, now 18 'hellos'. In turn IT addressed the room with something to the effect of ... "I'm the all seeing, all knowing ________" For the time being we'll just call him 'dumbass'. Well Dumbass proceded to say that he had been called to this room in particular from cyber worlds beyond to solve all our woes and give us glimpses into the future. Oooooohh puuuhleease!!! But being a champ I thought... ok.. this should be fun. So I asked 'Dumbass' what was in store for my future. This is ACTUALLY what he did..

::drawing energy:: ::concentrating::

I damn near died. Then he began to expound on my 'reading'. My repressed nature will hinder me further on in life, I enjoy the peace and quiet of a solitary life and will probably never marry. He also saw that I would ... die at sea!

Sitting in the aftermath of those astonishing revelations I was at a loss for words... ME, AT A LOSS FOR WORDS!!! Do you know how hard that is to do. But I just couldn't believe this ignorant little worm would spew his nonsensical word vomit as it if were the biblical truth to an ENTIRE group of strangers.

Well I thanked him for the um...... helpful info and then gave the room my blogsite link where I said I would 'meditate' on the happenings of the evening and respond in kind if anyone would wish to read.... so to the SWAMI in the chatroom ADVICE GIVEN & TAKEN lastnight... from the Nymph... here you go:

Dear Swami Dumbass,

What possessed you to think that you were capable of being entertaining or interesting? You have the warm personal charm of a millipede and about as much class as a bucket of mucous lodged on top of a dumpster in a Blue Light district of New Jersey. Maybe you wouldn't be such a Jerk-In-The-Box if that pimple on your ass hadn't turned out to be a brain tumor, if you weren't so fat that your cereal bowl has its own lifeguard, or if you didn't have a face that makes your dentist treat you by mail-order.

Clearly, you have lost your fingertip grip on reality and have descended into an abyss of irreversible lunacy. If you're going to say something that ignorant, you could at least fake a stroke. Oh well, at least you only charge what your free advice is worth. As Ellen Glasgow once remarked: "He knows so little and knows it so fluently." If you weren't intellectually slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through a vat of chunky peanut butter, maybe you wouldn't come across as such a jellyfish-sucking mental midget.

At any rate, thank you. We were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. Now get the hell out of here!

::smooches::

Mara

2005-11-14T12:16:00.000-08:00

THE SWEET SMELL OF.....

This weekend was pretty decent... no major tragedies - which is a huge bonus in the 'world of Mara'.

Friday night was nothing spectacular. I was kinda feeling blah... think that Tango was trying to share some of his 'cold cooties' with me. I'm not a big one for sharing cooties. If you've got cooties, you need to be sleeping on the couch .... or better yet the guest bedroom. In the guest bedroom your cooties are contained and I can isolate your cooties and call the service to fumigate once you've finished spewing your 'cootie-nastiness' from here to kingdom come.

All things aside, I went to sleep around 10:30 hoping that if I had contracted some cooties I could sleep them off. 3:30 Saturday morning I'm startled bolt upright out of bed to the sound of Tango's pager going off. Apparently there was an emergency at one of his properties that he had to go attend to. Well... I wasn't going to sleep any time soon and I felt sorry for his sleepy, stuffie, cootie contaminated butt so I offered to go with him.

So here we are heading out at 3:30 in the morning.. well, one emergency led to another and then a police situation at another property... blah (Tango - property owner/manager). By the time we finished with all 'said emergencies' it was 6:30 - time for breakfast. We were both laughing because our empty tummies sounded like a couple of growling monsters. We called our usual spot and found they didn't open for another half hour... neither of us could wait that long. Ok... off to the truck stop we go.

I've never eaten at a REAL truckstop... I was quite impressed upon entering at all of the various hoo-ha for sale. You had all of your regular convenience store stuff along with various Michigan souvenir mugs, spoons, hats, postcards, moose (people... you have to be WAY UP before you see a moose in Michigan. There was a case with little crystal ornaments, a few collegiate logo things.... and then I saw it. The rack with all of the bumperstickers... I could hear angels singing and a light shown down upon that beautiful display...... ok, I digress, it was more like a fluorescent can light and the song 'Centerfold' playing a notch too loud... but hey... it was still FABULOUS to me. Tango went and got a seat while I browsed the bumperstickers. Mind you, I'm not allowed to mar the beauty of my cars with these... I just like to have them. And sometimes... when the situation warrants it... I'll paste one to somebody else's car. 10 minutes later, I was the proud owner of 3 new bumper ornaments.... 1) Go Bra-less. It pulls the wrinkles from your face! 2) If you can read this you're close enough to KISS MY ASS. Make yourself useful. and 3) Don't Drink and Park, Accidents cause People.

Happy as a clam (I really don't know what clams have to be happy about - really all they are is slugs in shells... anyway)... happy as a clam I went to sit with Tango and get breakfast. He had already ordered coffee and OJ. We both got the breakfast bar (impressive... a breakfast bar in a truck stop - day-um) Hmmm......Eggies, a sausage, some bacon, some tatoes... ohhh a biscuit and gravy. Went and sat back down and began to dig into the um...... breakfast... eeep.. it was ice cold. We sat back looking at each other and down at the plates and managed to chew down a few bites, gulped down the orange juice and sucked down the Joe...::sigh:: we should have waited for our usual joint to open.

Back at home I got to sleep for an hour before I had to be back up to go out with my friend Ann. We had this huge extravagant shopping trip planned - ohh yeah... retail therapy, pocketbook olympics.. whatever you want to call it, that was our mission. She got to my house at 9 and we headed off to the spa first thing... manicures and pedicures were in order. On the way feeling a little sleepy I suggested we stop at the coffee house... yup... Venti White Mocha Latte with a double shot of espresso... so friggin good.

As I'm getting my nails done at the salon I notice that my hand is shaking just a little.. and was it me or was that little attendant awfully attentive and REALLY wanting to hear how my ENTIRE week leading up to this manicure went??? While in the pedicure bath I couldn't seem to stop my knee from bouncing.. even when Lee forcibly stopped it twice after having to repolish my toes because I bounced too hard and messed him up (....sorry Lee).

On we went to the Mall. (once again the angels sing) Did a whole lot of shopping for things I did and didn't really need...the highlight of the afternoon was the cosmetic section in Marshall Fields. After stopping at every station we were both painted with every available cosmetic product known to man. Oh yeah.. we could have hit the streets in Detroit and... well let's not go there. Walking through the perfume counters was like trasversing a police training course full of snipers. Women hiding behind displays would pop out and assault you with a quick burst of some floral, fruity essence. We were dodging the blasts like bullets trying to make our way to the front of the store when SHE stopped us. Never before had I seen a creature quite like this. Her skin was tanned orangy-brown by hundreds of visits to the fake bake, the crows feet extended from under eyes and the corners of her mouth to meet somewhere in the middle of her cheek. Dark brown pencil heavily covered the over-tweezed eyebrows and an equally dark red lined her thin lips. Her over-processed, bleached blonde hair was poofed into enormous dips and swirls... it almost looked like cotton candy... It was.. in a word, frightening. As her voice rasped out of her aging throat I wondered how long it would be before she succumed to throat or lung cancer and felt vaguely sad.

"Would you ladies care to try the latest fragrance by Ralph Lauren" she said... her melodic bass tones floating through the air.

Magically producing two tester ribbons she liberally sprayed them with 'Turquoise' and waved them with a flourish handing one to each of us.

Ann and I pressed the ribbons to our noses inhaling the essence called 'Turquoise'... my nose twitched and I looked over at Ann. We went to thank Deep Throat and make our way out but in one last ditch effort to make a sale she shoved her forearm up to my nose and said..

"It's a wonderful fragrance, it works with your body chemistry and smells different on everyone.. I just put some more on"

As I inhaled one thought came to mind............

MMMMMmmmm.... Eau de Marlboro Lights.... NICE

::smooches::
Mara

2005-11-11T11:19:00.000-08:00

MARA VISITS THE AUTOBODY SHOP

Ok.. let me first start by saying that this is going to be a first class rant because I am so fecking pissed I can't see straight!!

I was in downtown Ann Arbor the other day, PARKED, getting something out of the back of Roxy (I name all my vehicles) when this braindead $2 whore attempts to pull in the spot in front of me and clips the front of my car!!! Stupid friggin reknob! What the hell. There were only 3 spaces in front of me.. that wasn't enough room for you to pull in!! @#$@$@$!!*&%

So I walk up to her window and knock, adorable pixie sweetness oozing from every pore of my body.... "I didn't do it". That's what she friggin said!! I hadn't even said anything yet! WTF!! Well you did it now. How friggin near-sited could you have been ya possum faced dipshit!

Ok.. so anyway I go to call the police, to which the near-sited possum says she doesn't have time to wait around for and that she'll drive down to the station herself and fill out the report (God save us all!) I take her insurance information and blah blah blah.....

So here it is a few days later and I'm taking the car in to get an estimate. I drop off the car and come back, wait in the little waiting area while the gal (::shudder:: wasn't really sure of her gender) went to get the mechanic because he "wanted to talk with me".

Apparently the mechanic took it upon himself to do a complete evaluation of the vehicle while he was estimating the accident repair. Ohhh yeah.. he had a big ole list. With my iritation level already peaked I stood, arms crossed, and listened to him lecture me about my car. About the time the fugly little turd burglar got to my needing to refill my 'BLINKER FLUID' I friggin lost it! Do I look THAT stupid?? I friggin hate being taken advantage of.

I told him that I wasn't worried about WHAT ELSE was wrong with the car, that I just wanted the estimate for the insurance company and I would be on my way. Well.... that raggedy, goiter licking asshole decided that in all good conscience he 'COULDN'T LET ME LEAVE' with my vehicle in such bad repair. WHAT!!! (on a side note... I get regular service and maintenance done to my car.. Tango would have it no other way so I know this is a bunch of bullshit). WHAT!!! CAN'T LET ME LEAVE. OOOhhhh... wrong thing to say you tea-bagging skid mark!

"GO SMOKE A TURD IN HELL YOU KNEE BITING, FURRY LEGGED HUMPER!"... All eyes in their office and garage turned to me but I wasn't about to back down and I wasn't in the mood to be lady-like. "How dare you threaten to hold my Roxy hostage you gag inducing, peckerheaded HOGARBEAST"......... He just stood there.. eyes getting rounder by the minute.

"Fart sniffing, cheapass, rotten-toothed, greasy-assed bunghole sucker! Go blow yourself you spunk-slimed feckface!"

Well.. his face turned about 53 shades of red and purple and finally he just handed over the keys to Roxy and I left... WITHOUT THE ESTIMATE!! Can this day get any better???

So now I have to go to ANOTHER garage and get ANOTHER estimate and probably talk to YET ANOTHER chauvenistic Dillweed. They probably have a friggin macho-mechanic network and I've been blacklisted for forever!!

I think I hate everybody today... blah.... well at least everybody at that autobody shoppe..... not mentioning any names ........Bob's Autobody & Glass

::smooches::

Mara

2005-11-10T06:04:00.000-08:00

HNT#8

THE MALE BRAIN

HAPPY HNT!

Sorry no skin this week... been a little busy - please refer to the post below.

::smooches::

Mara

2005-11-08T07:34:00.000-08:00

The Proposal

And she said.....

YES!

::GRIN::

Soon there will be a Mr. Waterpixie

::smooches::

Mara

2005-11-02T18:30:00.000-08:00

Born on the wings of a silken sigh....

Delicately revealed for all to see....

Comes this week's glimpse from the playful pixie.... Tah-Dah!! My 7th HNT!

::smooches::

Mara

2005-11-01T07:11:00.000-08:00

ZEN FOR THOSE THAT TAKE LIFE TO SERIOUSLY

1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.
2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.
3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.
4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.
5. 42.7% OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.
6. 99% OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.
7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.
8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.
9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.
11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.
12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.
13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.
14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.
15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.
16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.
17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.
18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!
19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.
20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!
21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.
22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHOKINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.
23. OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?
24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?
25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKEDSOMETHING.
26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.
27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.
28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.
29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?
30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?
31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.
32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?
33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND, BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.
34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.
35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?
36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED.
37. JUST REMEMBER--IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.
38. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEARBRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.

::smooches::
Mara

2005-10-31T07:07:00.000-08:00

ROAD RAGE REVISITED

Good Morning Friends!! I don't know about all of you but I've been HUGE busy with the Halloween Holiday. I know that some people don't get into it.. but I'm not one of them.. Parties, Costumes, decorations... the works! So inbetween work, seasonal festivities and well... the after-effects of said activities, I'm a little pressed for time to sit down and write so I decided to dip into my archives. And you know I'd never leave you without a little something new... so at the end I'm sharing my favorite Halloween drink recipe ::grin:: 'Martian Piss'.

Therefore... without further adieu.... I give you..

Freeway Day Spa

Alright, so everyone knows that women are infamous for finishing their routine beauty rituals while in the car. Admittedly I think I'm probably one of the worst. I pretty much have a day spa in my car (prepared for anything as always).

So I'm driving along this morning putting on lip gloss, minding my own business, when some Neanderthal hogarbeast of a human BLARES his freakin clown car horn at me. So, wondering if I missed a light, failed to use my turn signal or had my skirt hanging out the car door ::I'm grasping at this point wondering why the nimrod honked at me:: I brake and look around. Well that must have really ticked him off. He pulled next to me and started yelling out his window... of course I don't know what he's yelling because ... uh my window's up - duh! Well the horrid little ogre follows me to the gas station and hops out. Oh Boy! He proceeds to scream at me about "*#%$! Women putting on their &%^@# makeup in their cars" ::sigh:: and I thought it was something serious. But this guy is irate! Well, never one to miss a golden opportunity for revenge I take stock of the parking lot: 2 business men, 1 woman and kid, and a big construction guy.... So what do I do... LOL what would any girl worth her salt do? I started crying... LOUD... Put the little arm up to fend him off. LOL... The construction guy followed by the two business men came to my aid and the woman went into the gas station and told the attendant who proceeded to call the police ::grin::

This is so fabulous I'm relishing it even as I retell it.

Well anyhow, the police officer was reeeeally nice... um to me. The guy got a ticket for road rage and a warning for harassment. To quote one of my favorite comedians, that little "rich, white, uptight, tofu-fartin fairy" got what he deserved. Mind your own damn business when you're driving your car! Dang... While he was busy chewing me a new one and not watching the road he could have caused an accident.

::smooches all:: Mara

**LOL, That happened this past June and is STILL funny... what a little hogarbeast. Ok, ok, ok... and as promised here is the recipe for 'Martian Piss'.

2- 2 liter bottles Mt. Dew
5th Vodka
12 Martian Bouncy Balls (you can get them out of those toy vending machines or buy them at WalMart...I friggin hate WalMart)

OK....
Put the bouncy balls in the freezer over night.
Chill the Mt. Dew and Vodka. Pour it into a punch bowl.
Add the bouncy balls and put it under a black light... it glows in the dark.

Yeah... I know.. WOW Mara... that was HARD... but it looks sweet as hell. Looks like everyone's drinking some sort of nuclear run off LOL....

Anyway... Have a GREAT HALLOWEEN EVERYONE.

::SMOOCHES::
Mara

P.S. I want you all to tell me what you think..
Q.) DO YOU THINK IT'S OK FOR A 20-SOMETHING CHILD TO GO TRICK-OR-TREATING... UM... JUST WONDERING.

2005-10-27T04:14:00.000-07:00

Just a glimpse... to shy for more

Happy HNT

::smooches::

Mara

2005-10-23T05:21:00.000-07:00

Men Think They Are Just Fart-tastic

From Jim Carey's infamous elevator "IT WAS MEEEEE" to the Shaggy -Scooby Fartathon in their first movie, men and their bodily expulsions have become a source of humor nationwide. Did anyone ever watch the movie Bio Dome where the dudes are ANALYZING their farts... "Tuesdays Cheetos, Poptarts and Red Dye #9".... Jesus Christ!

People, this is a very serious issue. It seems like wherever testosterone abounds so does the resounding sound of a well executed flatulate and the smell of old cheese, coupled with the hardy congratulations from friends on a 'job well done'. I'm telling you now... it's about as appealing as licking a dead toad.

Why this rant you ask? Well let me FRIGGIN TELL YA! My best friend (we'll call him TANGO) in the whole wide world happens to be a guy. I have known him FOREVER, any closer and we would be brother and sister. However, he, like so many other of his hideous species, finds farting absolutely hilarious. For Christ's Sake.. they still sit around and see who can make up the best verse to 'diarrhea Cha-Cha-Cha'! One of his favorites is to fart in the car and roll my window down so it all gets sucked out my way!

Alright.. so last night a bunch of us friends go out to a movie. Decided to see Serenity, it was decent. When we got out of the movie me and Kate went out to the car while TANGO and his friend went to 'drain the hose'- NICE.... apparently men don't go to the bathroom they 'drain hoses', 'drain the vein', 'let the snake spit', 'pinch off a loaf', 'make some bread'.... so friggin repulsive! AAANNNYYYWAY! Tango gets back out to the car, which I already have on because it's friggin freezin in this fuggin State right now, and him and his stoopid friend....(we'll call him BRAVO) just stand there in front of the car. Well, Kate and I are like.. WTF are they freakin doin out there???... when all of a sudden it hits us...... a waft of old cheese, rotten eggs and something dead RIGHT THROUGH THE VENTILATION SYSTEM BECAUSE THE FUCKING HEATER WAS ON! As my stomach turns and my face goes sour I look through the windshield to see Tango and Bravo waiting with baited breath to see if this has worked. First twitch of my nose and they start WHOOPING with unadulterated glee. Hopping the fuck up and down, slapping each others backs.... oooooh yesssss they are just soooooo funny!

You see friends... this is only one in a long line of stories I have regarding the primitive species called 'man' and their asshole acrobatics.

Earlier in the year while camping Kate, Maggie, myself and a few other campers sat around the campfire in disgusted and drunken awe as Tango, Bravo and another (we'll call him Delta) performed flatulatic feats of dexterity and skill. As we looked on, one by one these GROWN MEN proceeded to muster one up, flip their legs up in the air, hold a lighter to their ass and let one go, thus shooting a blue flame at least a foot long straight out their butthole. This was all except for Bravo who's flamage lacked the force of the other two and instead would create a blue ball of flame that traveled up the pantleg of his jeans before fizzling out.

This must have gone of for close to an hour... another point to ponder - do men have a never ending supply of gas?? WTF?? Anyway, about an hour into it Delta gets into position and lets one go... I mean this thing is friggin huge! Well he starts laughing so hard that, all of a sudden, the flame is cut off mid laugh. Well, it took 2 seconds and all fucking hell broke loose... you know how fires can create back drafts... UH HUH.... Delta now apparently has some INTERNAL BURNING going on... Holy Mother of God. He's on the beach, at the waters edge, dragging his ass across the tideline like a dog with a very sorry condition. We ended up actually taking his sorry ass to the ER where Tango and Bravo reiterated the story to the doctor on staff (also male) with childish glee.

The doctor laughed.

Well they fixed Delta up, gave him a prescription for some special ass cream and a bunch of medicated enemas.... CAN YOU IMAGINE.... and sent us on our way. I wonder what the insurance company thought when they got the report for that one?

Anyway, just sharing my misery. ::sigh:: This is yet another of the MANY reasons I'm so glad I'm not a man!

::smooches::

Mara

2005-10-19T19:17:00.000-07:00

Dashing off to dance class..........................wait, did I forget something?
Happy HNT
::smooches::
Mara

2005-10-17T06:35:00.000-07:00

TIPPY

Hey there again friends. I know I haven't posted in a few days... but as I stated earlier, I've been under a little stress at work. Actually the highlight of the week should actually be classified as more insanity than anything.

Have you ever come across anyone or anything that truly made you question the intelligence of our race as we know it. I mean, we all have a brain and most try to exercise it on a daily basis.... but I'm talking someone sooooo eccentric that they've crossed the line and gone from eccentric to DOWN RIGHT DISTURBING!

Well I was in the office Friday afternoon (I'm an exec assistant), when an interview was sent up to my office. I called into 'Mr. Boss Man' and told him that his interview..... let's call him 'Dingo'.... had arrived. 'Mr. Boss Man' asked me to inform 'Dingo' that he was wrapping up a meeting and would only be a second. After 10 minutes with no 'Mr. Boss Man' and 'Dingo' fidgeting in his seat like he had a flaming case of the crabs, I decided to ease his nervesand strike up a conversation.... it went something like this....

Mara: So... Dingo.... do you live far? Was it a long drive in?

Dingo: Not really, there was a huge traffic accident though. I drove right past it. Police, firetrucks, ambulances all over, I even got to see a body bag.

::wonderful... we're dealing with Dr. Dingo Death here::

Mara: Wow, I had heard that there had been an accident. I guess I didn't realize it was that serious. That's tragic.

Dingo: Yup

Mara: Sooo, um, what do you think of our office? Did you have any difficulty finding it?

Dingo: I like your Halloween decorations, is that cat a candy bucket.

(OK... we're going to stop right here for a second... WTF! Did I ask him about Halloween.. where the hell did that come from. Did he forget to take his friggin Ridilin? What the hell... did I offer you a fuggin snickers from my cat... friggin moronic, twitterpated imbicile)

Mara: Yes, that's my Halloween kitty candy basket.. she's kind of the office pet. ::lame laugh::

(Well the limp bonered nimrod helps himself to a HANDFUL of candy and sits back down... well allllrighty then!)

Mara: um.... help yourself....

Dingo: ::stupidly grins and nods:: So being that you've dubbed the candy basket the office pet does that mean that you like animals?

Mara: ????????? um.. actually, I love animals, how about you.

Dingo: Oh yeah, I'm a HUGE animal lover.

Mara: Really? What do you have?

Dingo: Nine Birds.

Mara: ?????????? NINE........ Birds. Wow, are any of them parrots?

(Now friends... one would have thought that I would have shut my mouth right there... I mean FUCK!! Nine birds... no wonder he doesn't have a wife, girlfriend, kids.... he's probably dwelling in a 1 bedroom apartment swelling with PARROT POOP!)

Dingo: Yeah.. all of them are parrots.

Mara: O.O ::big eyes:: Do any of them talk?

(Holy shit.. was that the wrong question to ask...as you will see in what follows, bad went to worse. For the next 25 minutes I was regaled with parrot-tales from this insipid little twit while 'Mr. Boss Man' was 'gonna be here in just a second'... ::mentally shrieks::)

Well, 'Dingo went into an entire dialogue about his talking parrots. Apparently 6 of the little feathered beasts can talk. He's been interviewing for the last couple of months and during that time his feathered apprentices have been learning a WHOLE LOT....

First I received the story of his little gray parrot that has a 200 word vocabulary and is intelligent enough to build on his vocabulary to the point of carrying on entire conversations all by himself... Sounded to me like 'Dingo' had carried on a few too many conversations 'all by himself'..... if you know what I mean. Anyway.. 'Dingo' told me that at all hours of the day and night this little gray would mimick telephone interviews:

Parrot: BRIINNNNGGGG BRIIIIINNNNGG
Parrot: Awwwwk.... HALLO!
Parrot: Yes.. this is Dingo
Parrot: Awwwk... Tuesday will be fine
Parrot: OK.. See you then
Parrot: Awwwwk!
Parrot: CLICK! Awwwwk!

The dude was frickin TALKING LIKE A PARROT IN MY OFFICE! But it didn't end there... oh no! Dingo proceded to tell me how difficult it is living with 9 parrots, 6 of which can talk... really Dingo? I never would have fucking guessed... you weird ass, feather fluffing, ornothologic pervert! He likened it to living with a bunch of 3 year olds... don't ask. Anyway he said that whenever he answers the phone 'Hello'... it breaks the entire group into a chorus of screeching HALLO! AWWWWKKK!!! HALLO!!!... while he's trying to talk on the phone. To make matters worse apparently he as a Macaw that is somewhat of the 'matriarch' of the group and knows how and when to use the phrase 'Shut up'... So imagine if you can... 'Dingo', sitting in my office, imitating his telephone call with 6 different parrot voices screeching "Hallo!" and one very high and very annoying falsetto voice screaming "SHUT UUUUUPPPP, SHUT UUUUUPPP!!"

About this time I hear a snort come from the office down the hallway... that would be Maggie. Now you see, Maggie and I have a deal. If either of us gets into a bad meeting we have a code word... we page the other person and say "You have an urgent call from Mildred on line 1"... lol... Mildred is such a great name. Anyway, I can hear Maggie snorting with laughter in her office and know I am doomed... no help from Maggie.. traitor.

Well, 'Dingo' calms himself down somewhat and grabs another handful of candy (which I'm personally thinking is a bad idea considering how frikkin hyper the dude is to begin with.) Just when I thought he was finished he looks up with eyes shining and says... "I really love my birds" Well... no friggin DUH ya freak! Then he says... "my favorite is the little gray.. his name is Tippy. We call him Tippy because he has a little balance problem. One minute he'll be sitting on his perch and the next minute... THUNK! He'll be laying on the bottom of his cage staring at you." In stunned silence I continue to listen to this bird loving hermit... "but you don't need to worry about Tippy," he says, "the very next minute he's back up on his perch"
At this point 'Dingo' begins pumping his arms back and forth while sitting in his chair in an immitation of 'Tippy' swinging on his perch. "Nope, not Tippy.... he can really get that perch swinging and every time he falls down he gets right back up and starts singing.....

Dingo: TIPPY FELL DOWN BUT TIPPY'S OK
Dingo: TIPPY FELL DOWN BUT TIPPY'S OK
::whistle::
Dingo: TIPPY FELL DOWN BUT TIPPY'S OK!

At this point we heard footsteps coming down the hallway.. 'Dingo' composed himself, cleared his throat (after all that fucking warbling), straightened his tie and shook hands with 'Mr. Boss Man'.

I sat is stunned silence as 'Dingo' was led off into his interview. From behind me I heard another snort as Maggie fell out into the hallway, red faced and literally dying of laughter... I ranted and raved at her for not helping me out to which she said she couldn't... she had been laughing too hard to pick up the phone. I wasn't truly mad... I would have done the same thing to her had situations been reversed!

An hour later 'Mr. Boss Man' and 'Dingo' came out from the interview. Maggie and I waited while he was shown to the door then both gathered at the door to 'Mr. Boss Man's' office.

Mara: So, what did you think?

Mr. Boss Man: ....::pregnant pause::..... Well.... I liked him!

O.O !!!! He plans to call and make 'Dingo' an offer today. HAPPY FUCKING MONDAY TO ME!

::smooches::
Mara

2005-10-17T05:48:00.000-07:00

EXCUSES EXCUSES EXCUSES

Dear Readers,

I'm extremely sorry for the lack of post. Pressures at work have overloaded the tiny pixie's brain. Many of the pressures will lend themselves to good rants detailed within the next few days of posts....

Please accept my apology and allow me the next few hours to catch up :)

::smooches::
Mara

2005-10-13T04:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes Nothing Looks better than

Black & White

Happy HNT Friends!!

Take part in Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Support the race for the Cure.

2005-10-11T06:15:00.000-07:00

15 WAYS TO HAVE FUN IN WALMART

Hello Friends!!

For any and all that happened to miss it... I have huge issues with WalMart. If you would like to read about it go to my August posts under 'Fecking I Can Do It Syndrome'. Miss Mara doesn't know how to do links in her posts LOL.

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

5. Put some M&M's on lay away.

6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'

11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud....."Hey we're out of toilet paper! in here!"

::smooches::
Mara

2005-10-10T06:49:00.000-07:00

My Friends Complicate Everything.... Even Disney World.

Over the weekend I thought and thought about what I was going to post on my freakin (excuse me... FORESKIN) blog today and finally decided to relay a story from this past April.

I went down to Florida with a group of friends around spring break... it's become a tradition ever since high-school. We've gone year after year and inevitably get into some kind of trouble every time: drunk with the Canadians at 16 and the parents had to take me to the ER for an allergic reaction to beer (try explaining that one), bungy jumped for the first time and screamed my bloody head off, snorkeled with sharks for the first time and hyperventilated though the snorkel to the point of black out..... good times people... good times.

ANYWAY... this year I went down with my usual group of girls, doing the usual bunch of things we usually do while we're down there. Before I left I had gone to Media Play hoping to get something entertaining for the CD player on the drive down (half the fun is driving down people).... flashing the other cars, video taping other drivers (amazing what people will do in front of a strangers camera). Well I had some music along with Monty Python (completely Spanish Inquisitionlicious), Bill Engvall (something about Dorkfish - huckin filarious), and good ol' Larry the Cable Guy.

Now if you've never listened to Larry the Cable Guy here are a couple of pointers... he's disgusting, racist, biased and absolutely the biggest fucking hilarious redneck I have ever heard. Midget prostitutes, fat ladies in hammocks - yeah, they call that a T-back, and retards in the Bass Pro Shop.

So the bit about the retards in the Bass Pro Shop had the entire car just rolling every time we heard the damn thing. I laughed until I thought I was gonna friggin piss my pants. In it he talks about doin community service for a drunk driving charge by driving retards back and forth to Sunday School.... it is so freaking terrible, politically incorrect, god awful... and probably the funniest thing I've ever heard!. So on the way back from church he goes into a bit about taking them into the Bass Pro Shop....he's trying to keep them from eating the stink bait when an advertisement comes over the intercom with "50 CENTS OFF WIGGLE WORMS"... then he's got the whole group of them screaming "WIGGOW WUURM, WIGGOW WUURM".... Now if you could hear this you would be dying too.

So about the third day into the trip we head off to MGM studios. My parents usually come down about the same time because I have a sister that's still in school... she brings a friend.. it's a family thing.. blah blah blah.. Anyway, we usually meet up with them somewhere along the way... and this time it was MGM studios. HERE'S WHERE IT GETS GOOD.... so we pull up to the parking attendant booth... me on the right side and dad on the left. We had just been listening to Larry and the attendant looked in and asked a question to my friend Kathy... "Where did you ladies come from"... Kathy (I could have strangled her) used her best re-knob voice and screamed MICHIGAN!!!.... which ensued a resounding and VERY LOUD chorus of WIGGOW WUURM, WIGGOW WUURM, WIGGOW WUURM... accompanied by convulsive bodily movements and drooling from the crew in the back of the vehicle. The guy gave me a sympathetic look and said.... "Oh... you're from the school?". I didn't quite hear him... but Kathy did and began screaming "WUURMS IN DA SCOO, WUURMS IN DA SCOO". I just wanted to get the hell out of there.. completely embarrassed.. red faced and ready to die. I went to hand him the $8.00 to park and he told me it was taken care of and to follow the parking lot to the right. I thought Mom and Dad had paid for me to park.. they're always doing sweet stuff like that........ not the case. When I reached 'said parking lot' I found to my utter MORTIFICATION that we were INDEED with the SCHOOL. A 'SPECIAL' school from MICHIGAN was visiting Disney MGM Studios and the parking attendant had actually BELIEVED we were part of the group. I could have died....

God.. I'm tired just retelling that..

Anyway, it was the joke of the century and always gets brought up when the friends get together and the wine is flowing..

Just thought I'd share another day in the life of a pixie.

::smooches::
Mara

2005-10-06T05:58:00.000-07:00

HAPPY HNT!!

God Created Woman

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender

Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing.

*********

LOL!! SORRY LADIES... I JUST HAD TO

::smooches::
Mara

2005-10-05T10:50:00.000-07:00

Joke of the Day

I just love this... ::grin::

::smooches::

Mara

2005-10-03T19:17:00.000-07:00

BUSH
WHACKERS!
The Ultimate in Hair Removal

* Quick
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Gone are the days of smuggling Chubakka in your undershorts.

This brand new, state of the art hair removal system is guaranteed to give PROFESSIONAL results every time in the privacy of your own home.

Results may vary by user. Please read and follow all instructions carefully.

Bush Wackers Hair Removal system has not yet been approved for medical use by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) in the United States or by the appropriate regulatory authorities in Europe. Mara-Ventures LTD assumes no responsibility for the misuse or mishandling of this product.

Possible side effects may include: Pain or Swelling in the generalized area, skin discoloration, scabbing, irritation, bruising, weeping, seeping, spontaneous combustion, tics, reduced appetite, headache, fatigue, vomiting, seizures, increased appetite, bloating, nausea, insomnia, irritability, depression, anxiety, increased blood pressure, difficulty breathing, hoarseness or wheezing, hives, paleness, weakness, a fast heart beat or dizziness, and swelling of the throat, drowsiness, hearing loss, dry mouth, muscle aches, chills, sterility, birth defects, paranoia, psychosis and possibly death.

So toss those razors, toss that Nair and get rid of nasty body hair.... with all new Bush Wackers!!
YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU TRIED IT!

::smooches::

Mara

2005-10-03T06:27:00.000-07:00

Spooktacular Suggestions Please!

Well it's that time of year again people...trixy treats and all that jazz. The time when parents dress their children up as the 'little beasts' they truly are and set them free to run wild in the streets doing the one thing they have ALWAYS PREACHED to their children never to do - take candy from strangers.

Actually, I love Halloween. I love seeing the little heathens all dressed up. I love the fall weather - crisp nights, bon fires, hot cider, warm cinnamon sugar donuts (great, now I'm drooling).

ANYWAY..... the reason for this post is MY COSTUME!!!...... you MUST know that it has to be fabulous. I'm a ::grin:: professional Halloweener ::smirk:: from waaaaay back. I love this holiday. AND as a PROFESSIONAL Halloweener I have to have a most fantastic costume every year. Now people.. we are not talking just ANY go out to the store and spend $100 on a sleazy pink pleather Austin Powersesque bimbo suit complete with CFM boots and an 'I couldn't be any blonder if I tried' wig.... OH NO.... I make... yes, you heard it right... MAKE all of my own costumes.

I think my all time favorite that I made was Medusa... it was a wicked ass costume... and I turned all the skin that was showing gold... it was sweet.... hair, skin, snakes... everything.. gold... and then the black dress with python trim... it was sweet..

Ok.. so we've established that I'm somewhat crafty here... Yet... I'm having issues coming up with the perfect costume this year... something that will strike fear in the hearts of the children I'm giving candy to... ::thinking , thinking , thinking::

Well.... here's what I've come up with..

I thought about a witch... I know, LAME... BUT..... if I were to do the witch thing I would have some kids that I know who are a little too old for trick-or-treating locked in cages on the front porch and me stirring the cauldron with the steam rolling out (dry ice people) Of course the teenage bratlings would be paid to moan and shriek mournfully.... pleading for help to escape their inevitable demise.... hmmm... oh er.. well I was getting into the part a little bit there... It would of course be a FABULOUS witch costume... and I would probably bring my fat orange kitty Moses - I taught him to give 'high-fives' he freakin rocks.

Or....

I could go as Santa Clause. I'm figuring when the kiddies come to the door and scream "TRICK OR TREAT" I'll look over the top of my wire rim glasses and back down at my Naughty/Nice list... tisk my tongue and tell them "I'm sorry... as of October 2005 you are on the Naughty List, if I were you I would be a really good boy/girl until Christmas or you ain't seein squat under that tree!" I'm sure so many parents would appreciate me ::smirk::...

I'm just not sure... I'm open to other suggestions too.. Give me your thoughts, opinions, suggestions, comments... I love hearing from you guys.

::smooches::
Mara

2005-10-01T04:20:00.000-07:00

Saturday October 1st, 2005

Dear Piece of Shit,

I had an awful dream about you last night, which has prompted me to tell you this.

Last summer when I confronted you about cheating on me, I became a towering inferno of rage and disbelief which quickly turned into tears of sadness and disappointment.

When you left the house, I read every single letter you and Nancy exchanged while you and I were not only together, but about to share our 2 year anniversary.

When I had reached my bullshit quota, I turned off the computer, went to the bathroom and looked at the disgusting, slimy, poop smeared, crusty toilet. The back of the toilet was all sweaty from the heat of the summer and from behind I could see the squashed body parts of month old bug carcasses that had never been cleaned up. The bathroom was your job - remember? I could feel the chunks of my breakfast start to rise in my throat. It began to burn from the pot of black coffee I had been drinking earlier.

I lifted the toilet seat, positioned myself correctly, and waited to barf. While I waited, I began to examine the underside of the toilet seat. "Disgusting bastard," I thought. You had always pissed in a careless manner. Aimlessly disposing of your smelly excretions, oblivious to the fact that it was splattering on, around, and even out of the toilet. You did everything but actually get the piss in the bowl. Over time, I noticed, most of it had dried up and crusted onto the porcelain. It had turned brown and was flaking off. "You were always a filthy, godless son of a bitch, weren't you?" I muttered to myself.

I noticed that the urge to vomit was replaced by an overwhelming urge to clean. But with what? I glanced around the bathroom, searching for the nearest abrasive-like tool. Something -- anything -- to teach that nasty toilet a lesson. And there it was.

Your mother fucking toothbrush.

p.s. You're still using that thing.

2005-09-30T07:17:00.000-07:00

Mara's Workplace Rituals

Ways To Have Fun in the Workplace:

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha." "Get right on that, Code C."

3) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

4) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

5) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge.

6) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

7) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

8) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

9) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

10) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

11) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

12) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

13) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "oh you've got to be faster than that.

14) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

15) End every sentence with the words 'in accordance with prophecy'.

TGIF
::smooches::
Mara

Additions from Friends and Superheros

From Brother Esquire:

Make sure to ask for your religious holidays off. When asked what days those are, answer "any day that ends in - day"

If a piece of Office Equipment malfunctions, offer to go get the sacrificial goat in order to appease the Xerox Gods.

Fake a unhealthy interest in obscure hobbies around the water cooler. Pretending to be a Dungeons and Dragons aficionado, or a professional bear-baiter will make you very popular.

Link together paper clips until you have a nice sized strand. Tape them to a pencil. Then attach a food-stuff to the other end. Enjoy office fishing.

2 bottles of Red Day #5 in the Water cooler = Blood Red Water

Every time you get into a elevator, turn to the person next you and say "Have you accepted me as your personal savior yet?"

2005-09-29T10:44:00.000-07:00

Well I got to looking at todays HNT post and realized that most of you that visit my site are a bunch of little perverts, adorable perverts, but perverts none the less. So..... for all you sex addicted, latex loving, breast admiring people that relish and laugh uproariously at who-ha waxing pain........... this ones for you!

You so deserve this

An NOW..... here for your VIEWING PLEASURE.....

Meet ....LULU

::smooches
Mara

**DISCLAIMER.... this weeks HNT is an attempt at humor. Any individual that has a moral or ethical issue with the aforementioned material can go straight to hell ...it's funny... get over it.

2005-09-29T07:48:00.000-07:00

Jenna's fat fingers and the kitten, Emu, that doesn't like her...

Happy HNT

2005-09-27T11:00:00.000-07:00

THE PRICE OF BEAUTY....

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it
wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the was strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my who-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek(Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Who-ha? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to go to the bathroom. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point?
I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

****Wasn't that educational friends?

::smooches::
Mara

2005-09-26T10:51:00.000-07:00

Renaissance Reminiscing

HAPPY FREAKIN MONDAY PEOPLE!! .... just in case you weren't already jazzed enough.

Anyway, this may come as a SHOCK, but there was really nothing serious to report over the weekend. Yup, I've sat here for the first half of the day and finally decided to just blog about the weekend in general... fascinating I know.

So Friday I had a headache... scratch Friday... we're not discussing it. Thought I was better Saturday Morning... for about 2 hours.... so um.... until about 6'ish... yeah, friggin scratch that too.

Anyway, Saturday evening I went to the Grand Opening Soiree' for a new Turkish pottery store downtown. It was nice...... and by the end.... I HAD A HEADACHE! (do I look a little grumpy here people - we will not go into the details of 'said headache' as they are too gruesome to share). About 9ish I had to do some other errands and tried stopping by a girlfriend's house afterward. Hmmm... after being regaled with a list of the um... 'buddies' she was currently chatting with online as well as the one's she has met in person, I was given the 'virtual tour' of her um.... 'online-buddy-body-part-photo-collection'. I have to tell you people...if it's not impressive... WHY THE HELL DO YOU SEND IT???!!! Jeeze... I kid you not. Moreover, moving past the fact that I was standing there with her merrily clicking through 'said collection' I began to wonder.... what the hell kind of person HAS a collection like this??? I mean not to mention any names , Kate, but wow... that's friggin WEIRD AS HELL.... she has them in categories and everything!!!

Ok.. enough of that.

Sunday I went to the Renaissance Festival in Holly... fully decked out as an adorable fairy I might add. Had a blast. My parents and baby sister went... although she brought her hogarbeast boyfriend... he's like a 6'4" goon... I just don't understand it.. she's adorable and picked him... ::shudder:: He's not even nice and he smells funny... I totally misjudged my sister when I once said "She'll be the best of the three of us"... HA! How could I have ever thought that... clearly I'm the best.. I don't know why I ever doubted myself ::rolling my eyes at my own conceit::

So that's it in a nutshell babes... Headache, turkish pottery, pecker collection and Renaissance Faire... not bad..... not bad at all.

::smooches::
Mara

P.S. I spell check everything before I post it... and the first word for this post that came up is 'freakin' the suggested correction is 'foreskin'.... in accordance with the online dictionary God.. please replace 'freakin' with 'foreskin' wherever necessary in this post. LMDAO!

2005-09-23T06:31:00.000-07:00

WANTED: 1 HANDYMAN FOR VARIOUS...ER.... TASKS. PLEASE APPLY BELOW.

Application For Employment

Prospective employees shall be afforded equal opportunity. However making a slight donation
of $50.00 to the receptionist will improve the chances of your completed application making it
to the H.R. Dept.

All information that you release in this application will probably be viewed by the receptionist, her boyfriend, the cleaning lady, our telephone repairman, the pizza delivery boy, and potentially anyone who walks by the desk your application is laying on.

1. Position Applied For: ___ Handyman Eye Candy ___ Handyman Masseur ___ Handyman Cook & Bottlewasher ___ Handyman Groundskeeper ___ (all of the above)

2. Are you a Brown-Noser? ___ Yes ___ No

3. Can you pass a lie detector test? ___Yes ___ No
( If you answered 2 out of 3 questions with a yes please proceed to fill out the rest of the application. If you answered no to any of the above
questions we are sorry to inform you that the position has already been filled. Please toss this application in the trash on your way out of the
building ).

Last Name: _____________________ Middle Initial: ____ First Name: _____________________

Social Security No. ____________________ Credit Card No. ____________________ Exp. ______

Bank Name: __________________________ Acct. No. ___________________________________

Mailing Address: ________________________________________________________________

(Must be the same as your billing address for credit card).

Have you ever been admitted to a mental institution? ____ Yes ___ No

If yes, why did you want to leave there and apply for work here? _______________________________________________________

Have you ever been convicted of a felony? ____ Yes ___ No
( If yes, what the hell are you still doing filling out this application? See above question no. 3 )

Are you married? ___ Yes ___ No

Date of birth: ___________________________

Favorite Drink: _________________________

Horoscope Sign: ________________________

Home Phone: ___________________________

Email Address: ________________________

Do you own your home? ___ Yes ___ No

Favorite Bar: ___________________________

Favorite Color: _________________________

Car Make/Color: ________________________

Cell Phone: ____________________________

Chat Handle: _________________________

Please list any emotional hang-ups that you have in the space below and include a list of meds that you take for this:

__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________
I hereby attest and verify that the information I have provided in this application is absolutely false and misrepresented. I understand that any true information which may be deliberately provided by me may lead to disqualification.

Signature:______________________________ Date:_________________________

2005-09-22T08:51:00.000-07:00

HAPPY HNT!

Fancy feets.

::smooches::
Mara

2005-09-21T09:29:00.000-07:00

Lazyass Lawnmowerman!

Do I look like a girl that has time for bullshit? I mean seriously friends, I work long hours, I play hard, I love harder...

Is it truly so hard to expect that the lawncare company I contracted for the season makes it out to my house at least once a week? I get my grass cut/ they get their money.. seems pretty simple to me. Apparently this concept of this exchange is somewhat challenging to others.

I called said 'lawncare company' on Monday after not having seen their retarded looking, clown car truck for over a friggin week and a half! The receptionist, clearly an escaped metal patient with buck teeth and a speech impediment that would make a deaf person cringe, informed me that I was on their list for a regular cutting. I explained to the gem of society that 'of course I'm on the list, I prepaid for 1 cut per week for the entire season and haven't seen them for a week and a half!' She 'checked her notes' and told me that they had been out last week and didn't think that my lawn 'needed it'. Whoa!..... didn't need it - and just who decided this?

Well anyway I asked her if I would be credited for the cut that they skipped and the reply was 'huh?'.... wow... that's some colossal intelligence right there for ya... 'HUH????... wonder if her friggin eyes were crossed and her tongue hanging out of her mouth when she said it. She didn't know what I was talking about so she got one of 'the guys' on the phone. Good Loard... bad went to worse... First I was talking to the bucktoothed, ditzy, front office bimbo and now I've been transferred to some dillweed, crooked bonered, fartknocker redneck with a 'piss on women' attitude... oooooh I am HOT!

Long story short... I tore him a new one and demanded that they come out immediately and mow the stupid thing.. (you see, there's an issue with my lawn - somehow, somewhere these spiney burs that will actually make you bleed were introduced into the grass... they're terrible and if the grass isn't cut they get out of control).

Well, I get home yesterday to a mowed lawn.... yeah right... nice. A professional friggin lawnservice who's revenge to me was sending some little hogarbeast troll that mowed both my front and back yards round and round in a circle ending in the middle.... My damn yard looks like a couple of bullseyes.. I'm so fuggin mad...

So now I have to call the reknobs again and have it out... I want someone's head on a platter before this is finished!!

::smooches::
Mara

2005-09-20T08:44:00.000-07:00

JOKE OF THE DAY!!

Yesterday I heard a woman in the welfare office complaining because she had to wait 2 WHOLE HOURS for her check.....

I had to wait 40 for mine... and WORK for it!! Damn!

::smooches::
Mara

2005-09-19T12:12:00.000-07:00

Sexy Mr. Sandman

Fabulous weekend up at my cabin... but it's enough to wear a girl out.

Good Loard I'm tired.

I was looking though some retarded women's magazine and there was an article on sleep.. a quiz actually..

I began taking the quiz and the more I read it the harder I laughed... I was like... ok, is this for a REAL woman.. working or otherwise? Come-on people!!

Question 1: Do you get at least 8 hours of sleep a night? ::laughing really hard::
(sorry... couldn't stop laughing to answer that one)

Question 2: Do you remember your dreams? ::blink::
(what kind of psycho-analysis survey is this?)

Question 3: Do you wake refreshed? ::grin... snicker... LAUGH::
(you didn't think I would make it through that one without laughing did you?)

Question 4: Have you driven while drowsy? ::arches a brow::
(Does first daughter Jenna Bush drive while drunk?)

LOL... anyway, this thing goes on and on and on... so I went ahead.. filled the whole thing out, added up the answers and looked at the key provided. I was given the following information:

POSSIBLE DIAGNOSIS
'Narcolepsy is a disabling sleep disorder that affects 135,000 Americans. Patients suffer from excessive daytime sleepiness; sudden brief episodes of muscle weakness or paralysis, also called cataplexy; paralysis while sleeping or upon waking up; and vivid dream-like images that occur at sleep onset. The disorder is often difficult to diagnose, and there is presently no cure. '

..... I fell asleep laughing.

::smooches::
Mara

2005-09-16T09:26:00.000-07:00

JURY DUTY DRAMA

Well, I went to my mailbox the other day and there IT was. A friggin summons for Federal Court Jury Duty selection... WTF did I do to deserve that!!!!

Not only do I despise the thought of jury duty... I despise the prospect of going to the friggin court house, in friggin ghetto-east-detroit, and spending fun filled day after day after day after day.

I thought about just throwing it away and then read the fine print stating that if 'You do not return this form in 10 days we'll send our dogs out with an unholy vengeance to drag your ass personally into our office' ... serious.. that's what it said!!

So here I sit contemplating my options... I've had a few suggestions from friends and come up with a few of my own.. I'll list them and welcome any and all suggestions to get me out of this friggin bane to my existence.

1) Obtain a psychiatrists confirmation of mental instability (this actually wouldn't be all that hard ::laugh::)

2) During jury selection make sure to vocally consult with ALL my personalities before answering any questions.

3) Wear pigtails and smeared lipstick and practice my ADD skills.

4) Explain that due to my authentic Druid upbringing I only believe in trial by blood (that's friggin creepy as hell.. where the feck did that come from??)

5) Stage my own demise.

Well that's about it... as you can see I am in sore need of help here!!

::smooches::
Mara

2005-09-15T06:11:00.000-07:00

For everyone who knows me.. you know how hard this is to post. But I'm in somewhat of a mood today.

For everyone that doesn't... Tah Dah!

::smooches::
Mara

2005-09-13T20:28:00.000-07:00

ONE ANONYMO, TWO ANONYMI
POST ANONYMOUS ON MY BLOG AND I SCRATCH OUT YER FRIGGIN EYE!

I friggin hate anonymous posts! What the hell! Too much of a pansy-ass, re-knob, nimrod to divulge who you are and from whence you came... yeah... piss on you!

The last thing I need is some rich, white, up-tight, tofu-fartin fairy with an identity complex posting an ANONYMOUS comment on my blog.. stay the feck away!

What's wrong with those people anyway? A blogger identity is FREE!!! AND EASY!!! Stupid little flighty friggin hogarbeasts. GOD... grow some balls for feck's sake!!!

I'm sorry to get so irritated over this friends.. but does anybody understand where I'm coming from??? What's the point of an anonymous blog aside from some phantom sissy spewing their word-vomit and making an anonymous-cluster-fuck of my comments page..

::takes a big breath::

So to all you anonymous bloggers out there.... PISS UP A ROPE AND STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY PAGE!!!

::smooches:: to all my fabulous friends... and well, hell, ::smooches:: to all the bloggers leaving comments that have balls enough to identify themselves!!

Miss Mara

2005-09-13T12:25:00.000-07:00

Joke of the day....

I went into the 7-11 to pre-pay for $5 worth of gas...

The clerk farted and handed me a receipt..

LMDAO..

::smooches::

Mara

2005-09-12T11:48:00.000-07:00

FRIGGIN OUCH PEOPLE!!!

I cut my finger ::cry:: and therefore have 'brain-drain'. A small list will have to suffice for today. Damn my friend all to hell for having me cut her hair.. we couldn't find the hair cutting scissors... and it was 'DIRE' that she have this done so we use/I used the big scissors she gave me... cut my friggin 'flip-em-off' finger.. I'm so pissed. Cut it bad too.. the thing wouldn't stop bleeding for a whole half hour. No worries friends... I have a carebear bandaid on it!

Anyway, here's the damn list!

The Zodiac Excuse List

ARIES:
I didn't do it. They dared me to do it. I didn't know it was loaded. I had to do it. I had no idea I was going so fast. It was an accident. It's a free country man. I can do what I want to do.

TAURUS:
It was on sale. I didn't know that it would cost that much. I though I was saving money. I meant to bring it back sooner. I had a sore throat. I've been doing it that way for years.

GEMINI:
Huh? What? I don't know what you're talking about. Who, me? I had no idea this would happen. My (sister, brother) did it. I had a cold.

CANCER:
It's practically a family tradition. I felt like doing it. I didn't feel like doing it. They put something in the water supply. I had a stomach ache. It all started in my childhood.

LEO:
I didn't know anybody was watching. I wasn't thinking clearly, I had a fever. I have special privileges. I had a back ache.

VIRGO:
My accountant told me it was OK. My doctor told me to do it. I didn't know what I was doing. I couldn't help myself. My allergies were acting up. It was that damn medicine.

LIBRA:
I only did it because my spouse does it. (He, She, It, The devil) made me do it. I was having personal problems. Can we compromise on this somehow?

SCORPIO:
I was in the mood. It's a tax write off. I didn't think I'd get caught. I didn't mean to do it. No one else has to know about it. Get a warrant. Talk to my lawyer. They thought I was going to die. I didn't know what the hell I was doing.

SAGITTARIUS:
I had to do it or somebody would sue me. My lawyer told me it was OK. What's the big deal? The government's to blame. It's a (racist, sexist, politically incorrect) thing. It must have been something I ate.

CAPRICORN:
It's nothing serious. I was only following orders. It all happened so fast. I had to see a doctor. My job got to me. We really need the money.

AQUARIUS:
Everybody else was doing it. It was the cool thing to do. My computer had a virus. So what? What are you going to do about it? Who cares about the stupid rules anyway?

PISCES:
I was under the influence. God told me to do it. I was doing God's will. They put something in my food. I thought I could stop before any real damage was done. I didn't notice what time it was. I forgot. Did I really have that many?

::smooches:: all you fabulous people... and send me get well kisses for my finger damnit!

2005-09-10T19:25:00.000-07:00

Wha-lah... Nothing like a latex mermaid to brighten one's day or .... night.

That's all for tonight.

::smooches:: Mara

2005-09-09T11:43:00.000-07:00

Cabins, Rednecks and Nude Women - OH MY!

Looking back and realizing I haven't posted for a WEEK... and for lack of anything better to post.... I'll just give all you fabulous people a few highlights from my Labor Day weekend.

I own a cabin in Northern Michigan (lower peninsula ... you can't understand a word those Uppers say!) Anyway, I went up there by myself seeking a little solitude... and after half the day Saturday was going stir crazy with nothing to do! I tore around on the quad for a little while, layed in the sun, walked down to the dam, picked some berries... blah blah blah. I needed some ACTION!... yeah right.. up in the northern woods of Michigan.

Action in Northern Michigan? Not going to happen. On the way up to the cabin I saw a truck full of rednecks.. the whole front cab and the bed of the truck was full of them. A kid (and I do mean KID people- couldn't have been more than 13 or 14) was smoking a cigarette THROUGH HIS NOSE and blowing the smoke out his mouth..... WTF DO THESE BACKWOODS PEOPLE TEACH THEIR KIDS! ::shakes her head::

I drove to the little store/gas station/diner/pizza joint/video stop... LOL... it's a really small town... aside from the store they have a church/firestation AND THAT'S IT! Anyway, drove to the store to pick up a few supplies and was assaulted by some tobacco-chewing, ain't been bathed in a month, butt-faced wombat of a man wanting to know what a "pritty lil thang" like me was doing in this little town... ugh! Swear to god.. I think the guy had 3 teeth. So friggin gross.

I got back to the cabin and noticed that the neighbors were there... well kind of. Apparently the 'ladies' had ditched their husbands for the weekend and come up alone... PERFECT!! So I drove the quad over there and invited them to come over to my place and play cards that evening. ::wicked little grin:: it's amazing how uninhibited a couple of married women will become late at night with a bottle of Jack and no husband waiting at home. Haha.. we drank, played cards, skinny dipped, and talked about sex - ALOT! In the end it was a great night, followed by another great night Sunday with more of the same. I was almost jealous of the one... Diana... she has great breasts... what I wouldn't do for those. I mean mine aren't bad.. but her's were fabulous.. too bad she has a face only a mother could love.. well apparently her husband loves it because she didn't mention anything about him bagging her head when they got it on.. ::shrug:: I don't know, maybe he looks like a hogarbeast and they compliment each other nicely in an ugly sort of way.

All in all it turned out to be a decent weekend...

I'm going up there again in a couple of weeks... any takers? ::laugh::

::smooches::
Mara

2005-09-02T12:34:00.000-07:00

SuperMart Supergirl

As everyone is well aware.. gasoline prices are soaring. Within the first 24 hours of the initial gas price hike, motorists could be seen waiting in sometimes hour long lines, trying to fill their tank before the price reached $3.00 a gallon. It is here that my story takes place..

After work on Tuesday I pulled into a Meijer SuperMart gas station to fill my tank at the VALUE PRICE of $2.59 a gallon. I waited in line for about 15 minutes and pulled up to a pump and began filling my tank. The masses of people were fairly civilized... all playing fair and filing one behind the other waiting their turn... when suddenly this little red civic came whipping in with some wild-eyed, 20-something bimbo, driving loops and turns, backwards, forwards, sideways... just trying to get into the first available without waiting in line..

A little irritated I just kept pumping my gas until...... she cut off an elderly lady pulling forward into her WAITED FOR SPOT by coming in the opposite way and braking to a screeching halt.

I was FURIOUS. First of all.. I love old people. They are the history of the world and should be treated with the care and respect that is their due.

I stopped pumping my gas and grabbed... ::laughing now:: the windshield squeegie.... I stalked over to the little bitch and threatened her within and inch of her life...I left nothing out... I was like a white tornado brandishing my all mighty windshield squeegie threatening to knock her brains onto the pavement.

In the end the bimbo drove away in disgrace and the little old lady filled her tank. I filled mine and waited for her to finish and come inside to pay. I paid for my soda and handed the clerk my credit card and told her to put pump 9 on it. The elderly woman looked up in surprise and protested that she couldn't allow me to pay for her gas. I just smiled and told her I wouldn't take no for an answer.

It felt good to do that... ::grin:: the 'pissed pixie' strikes again.

::smooches people::
Mara

2005-08-30T07:07:00.000-07:00

Beautiful Minds....

People drift in and out of our lives like leaves in the fall. Some stay forever and some stop while just passing through.

In tribute to friends both old, new, and just passing through..... check out these bloggers - my friends.. different yet the same in that they are all .... truly beautiful minds.

www.killthecrap.blogspot.com
www.davidshomework.blogspot.com
www.damnthebandersnatch.blogspot.com

Short but sweet today

::smooches::
Mara

2005-08-24T13:02:00.000-07:00

Dreaded Bedroom Queries

Last night I was in somewhat of a melancholy mood and decided to pop in a favorite movie, kick back and do the brain buzz thing for a while. Said movie happened to be 'Dirty Dancing' (a personal sexy,sappy, favorite). Anyhow, there's a scene in the movie where 'Baby' and 'Johnny' are in the afterglow of a rainy day tryst when she asks "How many women have you had"...

"How many women have you had"........

Some things are fecking better left unsaid. WTF kind of question is that? Or better yet... do you really want to KNOW how many women he's had?? I mean like what if he said... "Oh hell Baby, I don't know.... a hundred or so?" I mean how are you really going to feel? What a stupid ass question!

So I started really thinking about it .... the more I thought the more I realized we all say really STUPID.... and I mean STUPID... things in the aftermath of a good romp.

I especially love the whole simpering "Do you love me?" question that pops out.... LOL... the answer to that is... if there's a ring on your finger.. he/she does or he/she wouldn't listen to your annoying bitching day in and day out and still come home to bust one out with you. ::laughing:: if there's no ring.. just be friggin happy you got LAID ::damn some people are hard to please::

HOWEVER... my all time favorite has to be the.... "How do I compare" OOOOOOHhh Paaahhhhleeeeaaase.... LMAO. I won't lie for anyone... Unless you're prepared for an ugly truth my friends.. never ask this question. Because the truth is... you want the lie. What does a girl say to something like that? "Well babe, it was like throwin a hot dog down a hallway" "It was like giving a tic-tac to a whale"?? No gentlemen ::smirk:: never-ever-ever ask this question.

So anyhow I guess the point of this whole blog is... um.... ::searching::

Patrick Swayze dances the mambo better than Ricky Martin ANYDAY..

::shrug:: it was 2:00 in the morning people

::smooches::
Mara

2005-08-19T08:48:00.000-07:00

Closet Freak Ramblings

HAPPY FRIDAY FRIENDS!!! ::smooches:: love you all.

I went to a 'Romantic Interludes' party last night... LOL... I don't know why they don't just call it for what it is, a 'Sex-Toy Party' or my personal favorite... 'Fuckerware'.

Anyway, it was truly a sad state of affairs.. there was this prude of a consultant.. I felt bad for her. Everytime she would show something, she would read a little scripted joke of an index card and the room would fall silent..

Example:

"Ok Ladies.. this one is called Mr. Dependable. Please note he has a suction cup on the bottom.. ::reads from the card:: so now you'll get better mileage from your washing machine???? WTF was that? a joke? Everyone just sat there... so in the embarrassing silence I piped up and said.. "Yeah, that suction cup is great! You just lick it, stick it, drop and ROCK!!" Everybody died laughing ::sigh::

So the party wound to a close and before I knew it I had a line of women doing 'pre-consultations' with me before they went in to make their purchases... "What does this do? What one's the best for?... yadda yadda yadda. So I was a sex consultant for a night LOL.

I was the last person to go in to the little room and make my order. I had previously gone through the catalog while waiting for the other women to finish and checked off everything I already had - didn't exactly realize what a freak I actually was until I was forced to take a quick inventory LMAO. I think I actually frightened the prudish consultant with some of my questions - which she of course couldn't answer.

Well I walked away with a few new things.... lol and some updates for old things, as well as a new realization for my personal life which is....

DAYUM... I'M A BEDROOM FREAK. ::sigh::

::adjusts her halo::

::smooches::
Mara

2005-08-11T13:11:00.000-07:00

Fecking 'I Can Do It' Syndrome

Can I just scream right now and get it over with? Someone just smother me with a pillow or shoot me in the damn head. I'm so friggin frustrated!! Why oh why does everything in my insipid little life have to be such a great tragedy!

Picture it... Walmart... this afternoon..... on my lunch hour (operative word being 'hour'). I went back into the crafty-shit section thinking I would exercise my creative bone and re-upholster an ottoman in my livingroom. Not a hard thing to do! I got what I wanted.. some neato fabric and cool looking trim crap and went up to the counter... that was at 12:47. Some lard-ass woman having hot flashes every 2 seconds finally gets around to cutting what I needed...12:55. She goes to enter it into her 'magical electronic scanner thingie' and gets a red light and ominous BEEP! DAMNIT! Well she tries a couple more times before calling on her 'keystone cop partner' miss 'I just fell off the boat and speak very little english'...grrrr 1:00. At this point I say.. nevermind ladies ::smile:: I'll just pass on the trim and take the fabric. To which I'm told it will only take a second to put the item into the system. FINE! So 'lard-ass' starts talking with 'speak-no-english'... "Do I look like I have fur all over me?" she says!!!! WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF!!!! I don't care if you have fur all over your body and are auditioning for a leading role in fecking GORILLAS IN THE MIST!!! 1:05... Well finally they get the stupid thing to scan the item - (the bar code was damaged and they weren't entering the full number all this time).. 1:11... I have to be back to work at 1:30. I hustle up to the front (still not having eaten lunch yet) only to find THREE FRIGGIN CASHIERS AND ONE EXPRESS LANE WITH A LINE A MILE FRIGGIN LONG..AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH.
I stomped up to the customer service desk and said 'POLITELY' to the cashier.. "I'm sorry, there was a problem at the cutting counter that took an exhorbiant amount of time and I'm unable to purchase this at this time as I cannot wait in line and have to get back to work.. may I please hold this until 6 this evening?"

(dramatic pause........................)

SHE DIDN'T FRIGGIN SPEAK ENGLISH EITHER!!! 1:16.....I'm ready to kill someone here. She couldn't figure out what I wanted. She kept saying "You wee-turn? You wee-turn?". Finally I just left it there and walked out. I've heard of equal opportunity employers but this is friggin ridiculous.. get a FLIPPIN GREEN CARD OR HOOKED ON PHONICS...SOMETHING!!!!

I hate Walmart.

::smooches::
Mara

2005-08-02T08:20:00.000-07:00

Underwear Greetings and Social Faux Pas

Among the many other grand, wondrous and utterly meaningless things I did this past weekend, I had the heating and cooling guy come and clean out the duct work for the furnace.

He arrived at promptly 10:00 a.m. on Saturday. Real nice guy - clean, organized, polite... but he kept looking at me as if I had grown a third eye or something. I was baffled. As he headed down to the basement I went into the bathroom to give myself a once over. Looking in the mirror I turned right then left then leaned in for a close up... nope nothing.. Huh?

He came up once to get something from his van and I stopped him on his way back in with a "Did you forget something?" and the most charming smile I could muster. That only seemed to increase his agitation. Well hells bells Ethel!! What the feck was going on with the dude!

15 minutes later he came back upstairs, had me sign off on the work order and said they would be mailing me an invoice.... He couldn't even look me in the eye. Well DAMN! Curiosity got the best of me (I'm a pretty forward person) and I said, "Sir, Bill?" (sorry for the commentary if you ever read this serviceman Bill - but it's a story worth sharing). "Bill" I said, "is there something wrong with me? You've been acting like I'm growing a third eye out my forehead ever since you got here". Well, he shuffled around for a good thirty seconds and turned about 14 shades of red but I wasn't about to let the subject drop. After prompting with another pointed "WELL?" he finally dropped the bomb. "Well," said Bill "you don't have any pants on"... he was mortified. I just looked down and looked back up not quite understanding where the problem was. Bill left - I wasn't going to torture the poor fellow any longer. I did offer him a cold soda to which he promptly refused - wonder if he thought I had underwear cooties or something??

So here's the deal. I like being comfortable in my own home. My general attire is boyshort panties or underoos (thank you Cameron Diaz for the fabulous fashion tip) and a little tank top - especially in the summer. I'll wander around outside in them, water the flowers, get the mail... whatever. What's so wrong with that?? A bathing suit is more revealing so I'm failing to see the extreme social faux pas here people! Sure I put on more to go to the mall or the grocery... but hey... I put on less to go to the beach.. so wtf?

::laughs again:: I wonder what Bill would have done if I were wearing the pink ones that said 'BOOTYLICIOUS' on the back?

::smooches you fabulous people::
Mara

2005-07-22T09:24:00.000-07:00

Art Fairs & Lusty Wind Gusts....

Hello Friends :)

Does anyone live near Ann Arbor, MI ::takes a little hand count::.... well if you do you are well aware of the Art Fair this week. With all the traffic back-ups and half the entire inner city being shut down it is the cause of more than a few migraines and extra prozac prescriptions ::grin::

I went down there on Thursday thinking I could go and see what I needed to see and get out - thereby reserving my Saturday for better pursuits such as... languishing on the beach and sun worshiping.... but no such luck. I went with a friend who was "starving" grrr.... so we went to Buffalo Wild Wings. We were promptly greeted by a very perky waitress and a 6 foot chicken doing the 'booty dance', interesting to say the least. After 2 frozen Mai-Tai's and some popcorn shrimp the chicken wasn't looking to bad... dude! he had some moves! ::laughing::

So, upon quitting this fine establishment we made our way down the street to the first vendor I wanted to see. Within minutes the sky turned dark and you could see lightening in the distance. ::sigh:: We started heading back for the car (some 4 blocks away) when all hell broke loose. Interestingly enough we were right back in front of Buffalo Wild Wings and ducked under the canopy to avoid the worst of the rain. But never fear..... Mother Nature (never one to be thwarted) was certain to get me one way or another. As we are standing, with about a dozen or so other people waiting out the rain, all of a sudden the wind picks up.... along with my skirt ::blush:: I yank it down in the front just to have Mr. Wind whip up the back... I turned to my friend completely mortified only to see him having quite the chuckle over my situation with one of the waiters. NICEEEEEE........

So as I see it I have three options... I can: a) Walk 3 blocks in the pouring rain and lightening to the car. b) stand in the wind with my skirt over my face! Or c) go back into Buffalo Wild Wings and drink myself into a good buzz to overcome my embarassment.... what would you do my friends?

3 more Mai-Tai's and a tequila rose shot later...... I was dancing with the chicken ::smirk::

::smooches babes::

Mara

2005-06-29T08:46:00.000-07:00

Broken Hearted Mara...

Have you ever loved so hard that when it ended you felt your heart was truly broken. Not broken as in tears, sadness, fear or insecurity. Broken as in there is a part of you that will never be able to be repaired. Do people die of a broken heart? ::sigh::

I sat for hours last night at my piano, fingers slowly pulling out the notes to what was our song. The sad melody filled my mind and soul with memories of what was, could have been and suddenly died. It's been a long time and I still lie awake endlessly, night after night, waiting for the even rhythm of his sleep to lul me into mine.

Live every moment as if it were your last my friends.

Let him or her sleep that extra few minutes, share the last scoop of ice cream, fall asleep curled in the chair together ....and never, ever, just say goodbye.

{I miss you}

::smooches::

Mara

2005-06-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

The Sin of Micro-kinis

As I review again the events of this past weekend I feel compelled to share my pain.

First a series of questions my friends:

1. Why is it wrong to wear a bikini to the beach?

2. How does being thin and wearing a bikini instantly qualify one as a bitch?

and finally..

3. Is... "UH... nice suit" really a pick up line?? wtf!

So here it is in a nutshell. I went to the beach with some friends this weekend. I was prepared to have a fantabulous time.. it was a beautiful day, 98 degrees, sunny... yadda yadda yadda. BUT..... when i stripped down to my bikini the entire friggin day took on new meaning! Admittedly it's small - but everything's covered..er sort of......

I have to say, I'm a little more than pissed with the bloated, bitchy cellulite queens that LOVE to criticize people like me. Apparently having a nice body qualifies you as: disgusting, slut, bitch and nasty...among other colorful word vomit. Since when was taking care of your body a sin? Good God NO - Let us all go on a two week Sally Struthers twinkie binge and pop the elastic in our 2X Kathy Ireland Kmart underpanties! COOOME ON LADIES! You're sick of people like me? Well I despise people like you.

As if that weren't bad enough I have Mr. 'English Wasn't My Best Subject' standing, blocking my damn sun and offering to rub sun lotion on me. Get the hell out of my sun and use those meaty paws to rub something useful...... just don't do it in public!

I've come to the conclusion that bikinis bring out the worst in everyone. The women, porky little harpies, hate me. The men, drooling illiterate oafs, want me. And me... well, how would you feel? Did I do anything to deserve this? HELL NO I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE IT!

Blah.... I hate you all
(well, with the exception of a few fabulous friends)

::smooches::
Mara

2005-06-21T10:37:00.000-07:00

Freeway Day Spa

Alright, so everyone knows that women are infamous for finishing their routine beauty rituals while in the car. Admittedly I think I'm probably one of the worst. I pretty much have a day spa in my car (prepared for anything as always).

So I'm driving along this morning putting on lip gloss, minding my own business, when some Neanderthal hogarbeast of a human BLARES his freakin clown car horn at me. So, wondering if I missed a light, failed to use my turn signal or had my skirt hanging out the car door ::I'm grasping at this point wondering why the nimrod honked at me:: I brake and look around. Well that must have really ticked him off. He pulled next to me and started yelling out his window... of course I don't know what he's yelling because ... uh my window's up - duh! Well the horrid little ogre follows me to the gas station and hops out. Oh Boy! He proceeds to scream at me about "*#%$! Women putting on their &%^@# makeup in their cars" ::sigh:: and I thought it was something serious. But this guy is irate! Well, never one to miss a golden opportunity for revenge I take stock of the parking lot: 2 business men, 1 woman and kid, and a big construction guy.... So what do I do... LOL what would any girl worth her salt do? I started crying... LOUD... Put the little arm up to fend him off. LOL... The construction guy followed by the two business men came to my aid and the woman went into the gas station and told the attendant who proceeded to call the police ::grin::

This is so fabulous I'm relishing it even as I retell it.

Well anyhow, the police officer was reeeeally nice... um to me. The guy got a ticket for road rage and a warning for harassment. To quote one of my favorite comedians, that little "rich, white, uptight, tofu-fartin fairy" got what he deserved. Mind your own damn business when you're driving your car! Dang... While he was busy chewing me a new one and not watching the road he could have caused an accident.

::smooches all:: Mara